Today's post is dedicated to the memory of Martin Weinberg who...oh, wait a minute, he's not dead.

Sorry Marty, I know you're sorry too.  

Awhile back, the NY Times reported that:

"The fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (due out in 2013, and known as DSM-5) has eliminated five of the 10 personality disorders that are listed in the current edition. "

And one of them is Narcissistic Personality Disorder.   Apparently, it's too prevalent.  Really? Does that mean prevalence begets normalcy?  Or acceptance?  Or tolerance?  If the argument is that  you can't call that which is the order of the day a disorder, then what happens when the topic at hand is racism, anti-semitism, sexism or out of control weapons of mass destruction (read: gun) ownership?  I don't get it, but maybe I need to learn more--besides, who am I to argue with the distinguished diagnosticians (who, I'm only guessing, include a few NPDisorderlies ) charged with the daunting task of compiling this comprehensive compendium of Kookiness?  

How many...free white males, free white females and slaves?

After some cursory exploration,  I've learned that  as recently as 1840 the national Census included a question under the heading “Idiocy/Insanity” in which one would provide a checkmark...? and/or brief summary of ....?which could be interpreted  as….?  for purposes of….?  Today the DSM has over 300 separate and distinct disorders.  The last DSM ran to 943 pages.  So on balance, it seems we’ve come a long way in the un-balanced business.  But maybe, not far enough.   

I submit that the following should be considered for immediate inclusion.

Preparkwaydysplasia: A fear or anxiety arising from the feeling before you even leave the house that you are going to forget something and not remember it until you're very, very far away.  

Subset: Among those with flaky families and round the bend relatives with whom there is repressed and residual guilt/resentment concerning early childhood memories of abandonment, the condition may  be accompanied by the more severe : Dissociative Homealonia.

Automagicalism: Marked by the chronic belief that things (all things) will take care of themselves.  Marked by severe anxiety, discomfort, or impatience when, for example-- the attaching of an e-mail attachment requires the attaching of the attachment, or a pickle jar resists opening.    Can be treated by repeated  practice at acquiring necessary skills, but most effective short term solution is a spanking. 

Polymorefuss Paranoia: Condition marked by fear of being overcome by a multitude of minor annoyances.  Often most pronounced in high stress situations such as when:  person other than oneself  is speaking; person other than oneself  is stirring the soup;  person other than oneself is replacing the toilet paper (the wrong way--again!), person other than oneself is choosing to be with person other than oneself etc…

Brewhahania:  A paralyzing and debilitating condition brought on by the belief  that everyone is laughing at the coffee you make. In some cases the condition can be promptly treated by switching to the making of Tea. However, in some rare cases this has brought on symptoms of the related disorder: Teaheeheedia.  

Schizophonic Technophobia: Confusion, despair, sense of hopelessness brought on by too many options, features, buttons, icons, apps and other elements related to the use of cell phone technology. Successful treatments include spending 12-16 hours a day in movie theaters (with phone in off mode), or hiring an under 30 year old full time personal assistant. 

D.R.R. or Digital Retail Retardation.  An online shopping related condition marked by inability to ignore, avoid, or exit online retail websites until one has proceeded to checkout with at least enough items to qualify for free shipping.   

Omigodaphobia:  Sufferers of this disorder become impatient and sometimes openly antagonistic when in the presence of those who use the expression "Oh my God" (or "Omigod" ) frequently, inappropriately or both. In cases when the expression is used to describe something  totally devoid of any qualities that could even warrant the thought of  invoking an all powerful deity, some sufferers are known become physically ill. 

Petroprojectism. Marked by inclination to project upon a household pet one's own personality with shared world-view. Also strong tendency toward frequent worry about  the pet's emotional well-being and physical comfort -- as well as the posing of questions to the pets regarding their personal preferences and opinions.  In extreme cases -- condition may even manifest itself in a concern that pet is experiencing ambivalence about what to wear to the party on Friday.  

Compensatory Petroprojectism:  Specific subsidiary disorder related to the above.  High incidence among empty nest parents who regard their pets as replacement progeny, and find the total lack of verbal responses to questions posed to the pet  provides nostalgic reminder of what they had previously been able to elicit from their children. 

Lactomangulation Disorder:  A tendency and sometimes chronic need to channel violent impulses and repressed anger into the process of  aggressively opening a container of milk whereupon the entire spout is rendered useless due to severe shredding, bending or perforations resulting in leakage. 

Pseudo Polymathic Blogomania: Often found  among those with both access to the Internet and multiple opportunities to shirk more pressing responsibilities.  Afflicts the easily bored, compulsively curious and chronically preoccupied with multi-disciplinary molehills out of which the sufferer fells compelled to construct mountains of musings on such things as imaginary personality disorders.