Candide.

Finally got around to tackling the Voltaire classic. (Although it seems that the "experts" maintain that the book is neither long enough or serious enough to warrant classic status--and who are these "experts" anyway?) And surprised (actually amazed) to discover that it reads like a children’s book. It certainly is a fable, and the language couldn’t be simpler --though filled with much bygone vocabulary in the original Smollet English translation that I’m reading-- or more direct and to the point. The story flies along light as cotton candy and you can see why Leonard Bernstein was inspired to turn it into a romp filled comic operetta—though Lillian Hellman (that's her and Lenny on the right) wrote a pretty didactic and humorless book. Richard Wilbur saved the day when he stepped in the wrote the lyrics for the songs—which are great, and given a choice, I'd rather read them than listen to them sung in that operatic style that always makes it virtually impossible to understand a single word. And all that emphasis on perfect tone...doesn't work for me.
Learned that the Lisbon Earthquake of 1755 ( 50,000 dead out of a population of 200,000—85% of all buildings destroyed and another 10,000 dead in Morocco) provided the inspiration for Voltaire and that in the aftermath of that tragic disaster he felt compelled to question the prevailing popularity of Liebniz's (Optimism) philosophy that stated :

"All is for the best in the best of all possible worlds."

It begins...

“Once upon a time in Westphalia, in the castle of Baron Thunder-ten-tronckh, there lived a young boy whom nature had endowed with the gentlest of dispositions.”

Candide is (like Huck Finn, Pip, Pinocchio?) cast out into the world as an innocent, only to learn for himself that all is not for the best, and that the world can be a dangerous, cruel, unfair and pitiless place. And Voltaire is savagely funny in his depiction of everything and everyone responsible for the world's ills and Candide’s disillusionment. It’s a very entertaining read…and I can imagine that in the right translation would make a terrific story to read aloud to kids.

Love when this happens...

Doing last Sunday NY Times Crossword-- interesting design and multi-themed, but not enjoyable and often annoying ( Rafael to friends is...RAFE?--since when? I've watched him play a hundred times and they always call him RAFA) ANYWHO... The gimmick is that the letters "fe" occupy the same space in some answers because it's the symbol for Iron...and the theme is " Grid Iron".

One of the clues requires the completion of Auto_______
The answer is da-fé..

And what is Auto da-fé ? (also can be de fe)

...It's was the ritual ("Act of Faith") of public penance of condemned heretics and apostates during the Spanish and Portuguese Inquisitions--after which the penitent soul would be duly rewarded with being burned at the stake.

And...

Voltaire was horrified by the practice and shrewdly attacks it when he introduces an Auto da-fé held by the people of Lisbon after the 1755 earthquake in chapter six of Candide.
Voltaire has the wise leaders of the country decide that the best way to preserve the kingdom would be by entertaining the masses with the sight of several persons being burned alive in a great ceremony-- and proclaim that this will appease God and prevent future earthquakes. And this particular part of the book is why Lillian Hellman got involved in creating the show--as she wanted to make a connection between the Auto da-fé of Voltaire's time with the HUAC witch-hunts of our own.

really do love when that happens...(the inter-related connections, not the Auto da-fé)





Syrian Government Soldiers firing on civilians in refugee camp. Hundreds being killed daily. News coverage offers no explanation other than speculation and quotes from members of opposing camps. Soldiers seen on video charging into camp chanting “God is Great”.


Keep trying to find out more and can only come to conclusion that it’s simply total Mayhem. Mayhem made possible via the madness of religious fanaticism. And Religious fanaticism made possible by spiritual deprivation arising from material desperation. Lawrence Wright in his book The Looming Tower about the history of Al Qaeda culminating in the 9/11 attacks often mentions the simple fact that Radical Islam just pays better. Bin Laden was more like a benign and generous CEO than anything else to his followers--providing decent pay, vacation time, medical care, bonuses, even a primitive kind of 401K plan. God is great cause he offers the better deal…




And as H.L. Mencken asked:

"Where is the graveyard of dead gods?

So...take it away Mr. Mencken...

What has become of Sutekh, once the high god of the whole Nile Valley?


...What has become of:

Resheph, Baal, Anath, Astarte, Ashtoreth, Hadad,,Nebo, Dagon, Melek, Yau, Ahijah, Amon-Re, Isis, Osiris, Ptah, Molech?

All were gods of the highest eminence. Many of them are mentioned with fear and trembling in the Old Testament. They ranked, five or six thousand years ago, with Yahweh Himself; the worst of them stood far higher than Thor. Yet they have all gone down the chute, and with them the following:

Arianrod
Nuada Argetlam
Morrigu
Tagd
Govannon
Goibniu
Gunfled
Odin
Dagda
Ogma
Ogryvan
Marzin
Dea Dia
Mara
Iuno Lucina
Diana of Ephesus
Saturn
Robigus
Furrina
Pluto
Cronos
Vesta
Engurra
Zer-panitu
Belus
Merodach
Ubilulu
Elum
U-dimmer-an-kia
Marduk
U-sab-sib
Nin
U-Mersi
Persephone
Tammuz
Istar
Venus
Lagas
Beltis
Nirig
Nusku
En-Mersi
Aa
Assur
Sin
Beltu
Apsu
Kuski-banda
Elali
Nin-azu
Mami
Qarradu
Zaraqu
Ueras
Zagaga"

Which begs the question...

If there is a God what the hell is He for?
--WILLIAM FAULKNER, As I Lay Dying

and prompts the answer...

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."

--VOLTAIRE

The good news is:
I won’t die because I couldn’t afford to stay alive.

The Bad news is:
I’m going to spend the rest of my life paying for the good news.

Ellen and I decided to buy some more health insurance…of the variety that comes into play when you’re old, unemployed and suddenly hit with medical bills that are enough to kill you even when you're young and prosperous. Mostly we got it cause her brother is selling it and we thought we could help him out while providing some late inning relief--which for Ellen is the same as providing current peace of mind.

But the best part of the thing is the interview. It’s over the phone and takes about 40 minutes. For the first 10 minutes you simply keep repeating the word "no" to questions regarding all the diseases and conditions that would presumably be deal breakers, the rest of the Q and A takes the form of a memory test.

The woman on the phone had a southern accent thicker than a Louisiana crayfish stew. I must have asked her to repeat half the questions—so I wouldn’t be surprised if she disqualifies me for pre-existing deafness. And in the first memory test I had to listen to (and repeat one at a time) a list of ten words. When I had echoed back each word, I was then asked to try and recall the entire list. And I had to promise (remember, we’re on the phone) that I was not writing anything down or otherwise cheating.

So I repeat back all the words I remembered.
They were: butter, letter, arm, cabin, pole, queen, grass, engine, ticket, and I can’t remember the last.

We do this a few more times, and then she asks if I can estimate how well I think I performed. I told her 8 or 9 out of 10. Okay, part one of the “Why we should give you our money (actually, it’s my money with their interest) when you’re a demented old coot” test is over.

Then she tells me that she’s going to name three animals. I am to tell her which of the three is the least like the other two. And she says that there is no right answer to any of the questions.

What? What does that mean? While I’m trying to think of the right answer, I’m also supposed to remember that there isn’t one?

Beaver, Chimpanzee, Gorilla. Hmmm, Beaver right?
(Well no, cause there is no right. Right?)
And so it goes for the next 5 minutes with camels and dogs and giraffes and goats and a few more to round out the menagerie.

Now she tells me that she would like me to repeat back as many of the animal names as I can remember--and I’m pretty sure I aced this.

Finally at the end she has one more question: “ Did you at any time during this interview use a pen or pencil or other writing device to help you with formulating your answers? “ And “ Do you swear that the answer you are about to provide is the truth?”

Ahaaa! It’s not a memory test, it’s an honesty test! But of course. I’m on the phone talking about my health history and since there’s no way the insurance company can (at a reasonable cost in a reasonable time) investigate that long long history on their own with any real accuracy—then the only way for them to determine the relative risk of insuring me is to determine the relative reliability of my character. And if I’m suffering from early onset Alzheimer’s, then you better believe I’m writing down everything. But I guess they're ready for that cause the cheats probably forget to make a few mistakes to keep their performance credible.

40 minutes on the phone because an insurance company wants to know if they can trust me. 'Is this a great country or what?'


So did I cheat?
What do you think?

What’s the difference between an author and a blogger?

An author is one who can ponder at length about deep and complex issues and then apply the requisite tools of disciplined research, thoughtful examination and inspired imagination to create a rich and varied world wherein the reader feels compelled to linger in a state of heightened awareness, engagement and suspended disbelief.

A blogger is one who may ponder in spurts about pedestrian and banal issues and then apply the requisite tools of search engine dexterity, and borrowed content to create a disposable and easily forgotten world wherein the reader becomes tempted in the blink of an eye to wander off and pursue links to other more promising sites in order to satisfy the need for random trivia, gossip and dubious information.

All of which is just a verbose way of saying: Who needs serious when you can be having fun. And for those of us in the “copy” trade, fun is spelled p-u-n.



AND SINCE A GOOD BOOK IS HARD TO FIND…

... I thought I would offer a new service here by which I could help other pun junkies to narrow the search for their next literary fix.


A SNEAK PEAK AT THE HOTTEST NEW BOOKS COMING IN 2013

(Warning: The following is useless, sophomoric and a very accurate reflection of what happens to the mind during 10 straight hours of editing footage of TV stars talking about their "commitment to the truth" and their "dedication to excellence." It is also not appropriate reading for the pun averse)


Move over racism and sexism …the greatest threat to society today is Tallism. Yes, the tall are taking over, and they’re growing. From the Corporate Board Room to The Halls of Congress, the long and the short of it is--size matters. Learn how luck and heredity are threatening our institutions and our future in: The Height Report. By I.B. Longfellow


He knew the darkest secrets, but couldn’t reveal them. He had access to the most powerful people in the world--but there was no way to make them listen. He held the key to life and death but remained locked within a prison of silence. He was…
The Hoarse Whisperer. By A.A. Cumagan.

Truck driver and budding entrepreneur Hops Martin thought he could open a small micro-brewery and be his own boss—until he ran headfirst into the power of big beer. The Brew Barons had all the weapons, but they didn’t know that they were dealing with a man who would rather taste his own blood than a bland Pilsner. Read In Cold Bud. By Suds Terkel

In a world where religious and tribal loyalty divides families as well as entire nations—it’s little wonder that even the most informed westerner finds it virtually impossible to unravel the tangled web that is the Muslim World. Now the curious layman can better understand this complex and volatile world in…. Everything you ever wanted to know about Sects.*
* But were afraid to ask. By Piah Allah Mohd.

The ancient Egyptians prized it for it’s many uses from embalming to aroma therapy. To some it was a symbol of courage, to others it was nature's cure for nightmares and insomnia. Take an eye-opening (and nose-stimulating) tour of one of the worlds most potent plants in …A Brief History of Thyme. By Herb A. List

Think chasing big game on Safari is a daring adventure? Then just try living in Uganda as a male department store window designer with a limp handshake and a Judy Garland record collection—in Out in Africa. By Ubangi Nbacki

He wears a stiff tall hat, walks his beat with pride and needs no gun to keep the peace. He represents tradition, order, honor, rectitude and civil propriety. He is the British constable and his role in British History has come to symbolize much of what is still great in a once grand and glorious empire.
Our Bobbies, Ourselves by Riva Tembs

A Probing exploration into the world of Fertility medicine and a personal account of one woman’s path to motherhood in a world where greater options do not always make for easier choices.
A Womb of One’s Own. By. M.T. Hatchin

Healthy eating is smart, but when health concerns turn into chronic obsession and irrational fear, you have a recipe for disaster. In this controversial and daring new book, you will learn how the health food industry profits from consumer anxiety and ignorance. You will learn about the chemistry of cooking and how great traditions are being abandoned in the name of good health. Fear of Frying. Dr. Frank N. Bacon.

For over forty years, he was a beloved member of dozens of communities from Boston to Boise. He was like a father to some, and a father confessor to thousands. He was a man of the faith in whom many placed their own—but only briefly. His secret and uncontrollable passion for those who were not yet men themselves was the demon that forced him to live the life of a fugitive--but with the complete and total support of his powerful employers (who had mastered the arts of concealment and deceit over thousands of years) he was able to live a long and discreetly protected life filled with serial seductions of the young, the innocent and the ignorant. A Moveable Priest. By I.M. Knowangell.

Went for my annual checkup--which occurs about every three years...

and my suspicions were confirmed. Cholesterol-ly speaking, I am not an average man. I am an unusual and very special member of a very small and elite population blessed with a physical constitution so remarkable that I am able to function and thrive under conditions that would put the average man in an ICU if not a premature grave.

So I have decided that my next goal in life is to become an average man.

Yes, I know it’s a meager ambition, but I’ve already accomplished so much in this general direction that I think it would be negligent, if not downright lazy of me, to apply the brakes at this late date and fail to reach the final frontier of the middle ground whose path to which I have been trudging along lo these many years.

So, with renewed vigor and determination I shall venture forth into a land where chock full of Omega-3 oil fishies slide daily down my gullet and high fiber grains and steel cut oats blend and boil in bowls of non-fat liquids free of the poisonous preservatives and processed palliatives that once trafficked down the clogged roads of my intestinal interstate.


No, it won’t be easy. I’ll miss my friends who I used to joke around with at the Deli and Chinese Take out joints. I’ll miss those funny, sweet, master chefs Mufi and his cousin on the corner of 6th Avenue who make the tastiest and juiciest Shawarma this side of Azerbaijan. I’ll miss the thick sliced Liverwurst they always generously layer on for me at the friendly and affordable local grocery on 8th Ave and I’ll miss those creamy rich Mocha Lattes I so heedlessly shell out 5 smackers for simply to linger in the luscious memory of Malteds and Milk Shakes from days of yore.

But here’s the good news.




I love these guys!



And did you know…?

Another name for Sardines is Pilchards

Sardines are named after the Mediterranean island of Sardinia, around which they were once abundant.

A small serving of sardines once a day can provide 13 percent of vitamin B2; roughly one-quarter of niacin and about 150 percent of vitamin B12 of the recommended daily value.

Canned sardines in supermarkets may actually be sprat (such as the “brisling sardine”) or round herrings.

Sardines are a prominent prop in Michael Frayn's farce Noises Off.

The traditional "Toast to Pilchards" refers to the lucrative export of the fish to Catholic Europe:

“ Here's health to the Pope, may he live to repent
And add just six months to the term of his Lent

And tell all his vassals from Rome to the Poles,

There's nothing like pilchards for saving their souls!"

So why aren't they more popular here in America?

Apparently, for a host of reasons, but it mostly comes down to fishiness.
Seems that though we like meaty meat, we don't like fishy fish.
But I think it's also lack of familiarity and tradition. Sardines don't taste fishy, they taste Sardine-ey.
The only fish that tastes fishy to me is fish that's not fresh. And I think when people say they don't like fishy fish, they usually mean they don't like fish that isn't fresh. Anyone who's ever eaten any fish cooked minutes after being caught knows what I'm talking about. It's practically sweet. From what I've read, the industry still thrives in other parts of the world, but it's on life-support here in the states.

Packers fill sardine cans at the Stinson Seafood plant in Gouldsboro, Maine, April 25, 2005, Once the nations's last sardine cannery, Stinson closed after a century in operation.


In Australia’s largest Sardine Fishery by weight, with about 30,000 tonnes harvested annually, Sardines are raised mostly to feed farmed tuna, but increasingly to supply the human consumption market.

So if you’re eating tuna, you’re likely also eating Sardines.

And they're not expensive.
Which is why they played a prominent role in my diet during my lean years when a couple of the closely aligned sea critters laid (missing) head to (missing) tail across a couple of mustard covered onion bagels with sliced onions and tomatoes constituted a fabulous feast in my cockroach infested Hot Water Flat on W. 10th St. in Greenwich Village.


All I gotta do is lose the bagel, and I'm back in business...30 years later and a bucket full of LDL points higher.

“The tipping point is that magic moment when an idea, trend, or social behavior crosses a threshold, tips, and spreads like wildfire.”
― Malcolm Gladwell, The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference


A few years back. Riding into the city on the 7:58 express to Grand Central, sitting next to a long time friend and former client/industry colleague. I’ve got my copied NY Times daily crossword (leaving the original at home for Ellen) on my lap and he’s got the hot new must read book of the month on his. It’s Mr. Gladwell’s new Hocus Pocus Opus The Tipping Point and by the time we reach The Bronx I’ve pretty much heard about as much as my freshly caffeinated nervous system can handle at that hour of the morning. It occurred to me then, and reoccurs to me now that perhaps there might be an appreciative (and easily seduced) market for another book of this type—one that similarly explores the mysteries of human behavior and societal trends as they intertwine and intersect in ways that are both quantifiable and yet paradoxical. But like all such ideas I have had arising from such moments of seemingly inspired revelation, I let the moment pass and at the risk of squandering an opportunity that could forever free me from the daily tedium of the 7:58 , I return to the more pressing problem of coming up with answers to questions concerning Norse mythology and the names of characters from TV shows I've never even heard of.


But today on the train, where I’m no longer in the habit of conquering the daily dare from Will Shortz, I once again thought about that idea I had—and now that I have this blog, I decided I would pick up the discarded pieces of my pipe-dream and prepare a workable outline for a book proposal that could propel me to the Olympian Heights of Oracular fame and fortune.



Title: The Point of Tipping

Sub-Title : What The Giving and Receiving of Gratuities Tells Us About Who We Are, What We Want And Where We’re Going in An Infinite and Ever Expanding Universe.

Employing the most advanced tools in data collection and management in conjunction with anecdotal evidence (mostly true) and analytical assessments based on instinct and intuition (see: Blink. M. Gladwell) this book will explore an uncharted and brave new world where an ever increasing population of low-wage workers dependent on voluntarily provided donations intersects with an ever decreasing population of donors for whom the meaning of honest employment and work has been lost or abandoned.

In this book you will meet big tippers and small tippers. You’ll get to know what makes Tippers who tip to gain status tick, and what makes tippers who tip to gain control sick. You’ll meet the status seeking tipper who wants everyone to know how much money he has, and the tipsy tipper who can’t help letting everyone know how little he knows about how much money he has.

You’ll also meet the Tippees. Waiters, waitresses, cab drivers and baggage handlers—all with telling stories to tell and secrets to reveal. You’ll learn how they have been surprised by sudden bursts of generosity from the unlikeliest of sources and shocked by equally sudden demonstrations of demeaning and humiliating abuse.

Conclusion: The Point of Tipping is both an idea and a book whose time has come. With the rise of the Occupy Wall Street movement and the continued expansion of Tea Party partisans and participants throughout the nation—the role of the voluntary gratuity in our economic system has never been greater or more critical to its continuance. This is a book that will be read by everyone who tips and everyone who is tipped. And that is a number that far exceeds the “Tipping Point” at which a book goes from being just another bogus bunch of bull to a Blazingly hot phenomenon that breaks out and breaks through to become an all-time bestselling bonanza for the publishing arm of a multi-national conglomerate with the wherewithal to maximize profits across a multitude of media platforms.

Bidding will begin at 5 million dollars.
(Gratuity not included)




At work, we do some projects for Cox Cable. As you might imagine, it’s kinda tricky doing any kind of communications work (and radio spots are trickiest) for a company with a name so easily subject to glib vulgarization. And we have a very entertaining file filled with various headlines and story leads that had to be discarded due to their double entendre implications. So I got to thinking about the world of the web and how I’ve been occasionally stupefied by the choices of some companies and individuals when it came to the selection of a URL.—cause when you remove spaces between words, you’re bound to create some confusion…or worse. I couldn’t remember any offhand, but search and ye shall find:


Looking to hire a celebrity? Then give the agent finders at “Who Represents” a holler.
You’ll find them at: 
www.whorepresents.com

Professional Programmers unite and exchange advice and views at : 
www.expertsexchange.com

Marooned without a pen to write your SOS message. Don’t panic, just go to Pen Island at 
www.penisland.net

A good shrink is hard to find. Unless you go to Therapist Finder at 
www.therapistfinder.com

I don’t what they do or how they do it, but as they say, when in Rome…go to Italian Power Generator company at: …
www.powergenitalia.com

Green thumb gardeners can find lots to like at the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: 
www.molestationnursery.com

Searching for software and just can’t hold it in any longer? always 
www.ipanywhere.com

Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

Then, of course, there’s art designers, and their whacky website: 
www.speedofart.com

Let’s got to Lake Tahoe! But first lets download some info at: 
www.gotahoe.com

From everyone's favorite mailman Mr. Peterson of The Petersons now comes:





Terry and Randy in their latest SuperPAC men video for Funny or Die..

Adam Stein...still writing some of the best satire to be found...anywhere...check it out:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/5851221bac/terry-and-randy-and-romney






Must be a metaphor for something, or a few things. The risks of love? The love of risk? I don't know, but would love to know how they got on it...and off it.





Yeah. It is just water and sugar. That whole "life gave me lemons, so I made Lemonade" is just a metaphor.




One of those days when trying (unsuccessfully) to solve a problem at work leads to general malaise and blog blockage.
Probably best to just take a day off.









On the other hand, since I'm still hanging out with GK--though probably on my last book before I shift over to Voltaire-- I thought I'd wrap up his stay here with:

Why he mattered.

He laughed at his own jokes and amused children.

He mentored, influenced and inspired countless other writers, artists, social activists, local and national political leaders and statesmen to become more socially aware, human and spiritually enlightened.

He wrote a novel called The Napoleon of Notting Hill, which inspired Michael Collins to lead a movement for Irish Independence.

He wrote an essay in the Illustrated London News that inspired Mohandas Gandhi who said that it gave him greater confidence and belief in his ability to lead a movement to end British colonial rule in India.

He argued eloquently against : materialism, scientific determinism, moral relativism, and agnosticism.

He also argued against both socialism and capitalism as they manifested themselves in his time, and against most other one size fits all ideologies that more often than not are the enemies of freedom and justice in modern society.

He defended “the common man” and common sense.

He defended the poor.

He defended the family.

He defended truth and beauty.

And he defended Christianity and the Catholic Faith. And this is probably why he is not better known today and more highly regarded. Intellectuals (regardless how progressive) with strong religious sensibilities went out of style a long time ago.

But most of all, for me, Chesterton is a teacher, and the best kind. He doesn’t just perform the wonder of making you think.
He makes you laugh.

“There are only two kinds of ballads. There are sad ballads about broken hearts and cheerful ballads about broken heads.”

“Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred

"Not only are we all in the same boat, but we are all seasick."

"…The differences between a man and a woman are at best so obstinate and exasperating that they practically cannot be got over unless there is an atmosphere of exaggerated tenderness and mutual interest. To put the matter in one metaphor, the sexes are two stubborn pieces of iron; if they are to be welded together, it must be while they are red-hot."

A bit late for a New Years feature, but I'm all out of ideas and yet determined to post something cause I'm always afraid that if I skip a day here or there it won't be long before my next post is my last. But then again, who knows what tomorrow may bring?

I Do! I Do!


The Supremes (the Nonet from Washington, not the trio from Detroit) will publish their opinion on the constitutionality of the HealthCare Bill without once mentioning the words Medicare or Medicaid--despite the fact that both of those words are the simplest and most obvious arguments for making the entire case before them moot. See link below for Jeffrey Toobin in this week's New Yorker.

http://www.newyorker.com/talk/comment/2012/04/09/120409taco_talk_toobin

The Mets will get off to a slow start, then they'll go into a complete tailspin and CitiField will have more empty seats than the Super-Dome during a Ghana v. Ethiopia soccer match.

Mitt Romney will stumble his way to the nomination, give terrible speeches, puttin his foot in his mouth dozens of times, offending just about everyone with his patrician cluelessness, and barely concealed aristocratic pomposity...and he'll still get enough votes to make it close. But he'll lose.

Sarah Palin will be talked into trying to make a bid as Mitt's VP choice. But she won't know that the people talking her into it were working for the Dems.

The Republican convention will be the first brokered convention since 1952. After seven ballots with Romney, Santorum, Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich splitting the delegates--they ( The RNC) will (after extending the proceedings an extra two days)
meet behind closed doors and then on the eighth ballot the party will name their nominee. Ross Perot.

Someone from a reality TV show will become famous for some reason or another and 40 million people in America will know his/her name without being able to remember or identify how or why. A week later, the process will repeat itself with someone else. The pattern will continue till 2056.

On October 23rd, the very last CD will be bought. It will be a "Best of KISS" vol. 3.

The world of Fashion will introduce and celebrate a new trend called Nonchalance.
It will be part of an entire new vogue in tattoos and T-Shirts with messages like: Yeah? So?, Uh, huh, Alright, Sure, why not?
and I, uh, well, hmmm.

A new drug will be introduced that will be touted as providing relief for Gerontophobia. It will not only reduce anxiety about getting old, but will reduce symptoms related to the fear of aging dogs, cats and other household pets.

The Knicks will not make the playoffs and Carmelo Anthony will announce that he is taking a one year leave of absence from the league to become a Rapper with the new name of Da-Hog.

Beverly Hills High School will require all students to own at least one iPad. The local Board of Education in Jackson Mississippi will require all students to own at least one sharpened #2 pencil.

Someone will write a best-selling non-fiction self-help book about the direct correlation between good health and the reading of best-selling non-fiction self help books.

A new discount Airline will announce a "Super Low Price Super Saver Cargo Coach Fare". For a price 20% lower than coach fare, you will not only be able to fly with luggage, but you will fly as luggage. A row of benches built into the cargo hold will be reserved for passengers who will enjoy few amenities and even less oxygen, but will be able to rest their feet on any piece of luggage they choose.

Adrift on Driftwood will continue to exist as a blog, but all content will be uploaded automatically and directly through offshore pirate digital content sources. Those sources will provide dependable news, wonderful music, and provocative literary content unavailable through mainstream channels. Google will buy out these independent operators and Adrift on Driftwood will become the sole property of the parent company. The content will then be provided by The Huffington Post, FoxNews and Sony Music INC.

A few more Triolets:


Ruff ruff, ruff ruff and sniff sniff sniff,
Sit, stay, lie down and sleep
I know you say you love me but to me it makes no diff
Ruff ruff, ruff ruff and sniff sniff sniff
Got steak? I’ll change my riff
Ya think with dry bland cereal I’ll never make a peep?
Ruff ruff ruff ruff and sniff sniff sniff,
Sit, stay, lie down and sleep



The omelet that you say you want we here call a Frittahtah
Soup of the day is soup de Jour cause French is de righueurr
And for the specials of the house, there’s Yada, yada, yada
The omelet that you say you want we here call a Frittahtah
I recommend our bubby, lest (ha ha) you want tap wahttah
And as for that fine entrée’ to which you did refurhhh
The omelet that you say you want we here call a Frittahtah
Soup of the day is soup de Jour cause French is de righueurr

Richard --

Last night, I heard that more than 30,000 people responded to my message from the other day.

To me, that number signals we're ready for what's next in this campaign. That's what I'm talking about when I say Barack needs you this week. That's the kind of momentum that's going to win this election.

In two days, we face the biggest fundraising deadline of this campaign so far.

We've got this.

Donate $3 or more today:

https://donate.barackobama.com/By-Tomorrow

Thanks,

Michelle



Michelle,

Congratulations! I couldn’t be happier about this good news since it proves that genuine substance and truth can still prevail over seductive style and flattery. And I offer you my sincerest apologies for any disparagement you might have read into my comments from a few posts back. I now see that it really doesn’t matter if your copywriters indulge in silly sentimentality and false intimacy as long as they remember to attach your name to the bottom of their misguided missives. For it is your name (and your husband’s) that carry the weight of credibility and respect—without which these fundraising letters of yours would be no more compelling or effective than your run of the mill spam.

I was considering sending a check along with this note, but then I saw that you said “We’ve got this.”
And actually, even if you hadn't said that, I probably wouldn't have sent the check. After all, what's my $3 compared to
what you must have collected from those 30,000.

Keep up the good work. And hope we can chat again soon. Always love hearing from you.

The Drifter.



Once you try a Triolet, it's hard to stop.

Krugman Collins Dowd and Brooks
Week after week, column by column
Bout movers and shakers, cronies and crooks
Krugman, Collins, Dowd and Brooks
Trailing the scent, baiting their hooks
Two do it funny, the other two solemn
Krugman Collins Dowd and Brooks
Week after week, column by column


Make believe people who live in these books
What do they matter? Why do we care?
On Kindles or smartphones or iPads or Nooks
Make believe people who live in these books
Aren’t Firemen, Teachers, Truckers or Cooks
Nor handymen, doctors, or rabbis in prayer
Make believe people who live in these books
What do they matter? Why do we care?


Corned Beef and Cabbage Pastrami on Rye
Is it HDL good and LDL bad?
Can never remember and now I know why
Corned Beef and Cabbage Pastrami on Rye
Life is for living - you live till you die
Hey Doc, thanks a lot, but you’re not my dad
Corned Beef and Cabbage Pastrami on Rye
Is it HDL good and LDL bad?


With throwing and catching and swinging and hitting
With running and stealing in a rush to get home
A drama Homeric unfolds in one sitting
With throwing and catching and swinging and hitting
Don’t bother to ask, cause I’m happy admitting
I turned down your invite to stay here alone
With throwing and catching and swinging and hitting
With running and stealing in a rush to get home






Happy Weekend

BTW: Just noticed that G.K.'s Jellyfish poem strays from the Triolet rules...instead of ABaAabAB he did it ABaAbaAB...and I wonder if was deliberate (committed contrarian that he was) or if he wasn't paying attention. I suspect it was the former.

The Man Who Knew Too Much.






No, it’s not just the two (Hitchcock) movies, though Hitchcock used the title because he had bought the rights to the stories that were published under that title by…as if you hadn’t already guessed…




...G.K. Chesterton.

I know, enough about Chesterton already, and you’re right, it’s time to move on…but first:

What a terrific premise for a series of detective stories!

The Man Who Knew Too Much is a man named Horne Fisher, and his “Watson” is a journalist named Harold March. And in a series of 8 stories, our hero unravels the mystery behind a variety of crimes and misdemeanors in much the same deductive reasoning fashion as Sherlock Holmes. But here’s the twist. The criminals can never be brought to justice because they’re either too rich, too powerful, too well connected or protected by the privileges of the ruling class, political ties or wealth. He truly is The Man who knows too much! And it’s a hoot. The stories are almost formulaic and often predictable, but the fun is in discovering how and why the criminals are able to get away with it. Chesterton is constantly saying that logic is never enough. The world is a goofy, illogical, unfair place, but it's still fun trying to figure it out as long as you're willing to concede that you'll never really make sense of it. If G.K. were writing now, I’m sure he’d have just as much fun with Wall St. scammers and covert operations in the war on terror and drugs. And Horne is such an eccentric and unique character—sharp, observant, and a philosophical loner completely resigned to the fact that he can never (and will never) be able to prove anything in a court of law or popular opinion. To my knowledge, there’s no one else like him in the genre…though you could say that Hammett and Chandler gave Spade and Marlowe similar burdens to bear from time to time.


Okay, now for what I hope is a smooth and clever transition… bear with me.


The poverty of looking at things solely from the “logical side of things” was a central plank of the Chestertonian gospel.

“The madman,” he observed in Orthodoxy, “is not the man who has lost his reason. The madman is the man who has lost everything except his reason.”

In The Defendant (1901), Chesterton’s first collection of prose he says:

“The simple sense of wonder at the shapes of things, and at their exuberant independence of our intellectual standards and our trivial definitions, is the basis of spirituality as it is the basis of nonsense.”


In short: Nonsense and faith (strange as the conjunction may seem) are the two supreme symbolic assertions of the truth.


And G.K. put his pen where his mouth was when he wrote …

I wish I were a jellyfish
That cannot fall downstairs;
Of all the things I wish to wish
I wish I were a jellyfish
That hasn't any cares
And doesn't even have to wish
'I wish I were a jellyfish
That cannot fall downstairs.'

What is that? So simple, and yet not at all. Appears almost random but clearly follows a structure. And I suspected it was a formal form of some kind and I was right…it’s a Triolet!

A Triolet is a three stanza poem of eight lines.
The rhyme scheme is ABaAabAB --(where the A's and B's are identical lines)
and often with all lines in iambic tetrameter:
a la:

da DUM da DUM da DUM da (FLY)
da DUM da DUM da DUM da (CRY) etc.

The first, fourth and seventh lines are identical,
so are the second and eighth
So that means the first and last couplets are identical as well.

Once you get the format, you think the poem would almost write itself since so much is repeated, only two sounds have to rhyme and the first and last couplet are the same…so what’s left to do? Easy, right?...


…that is once the triple-repeating line, from which the form is named, is taken care of. This line is your opener, the primary inspiration for the middle section, and the set-up for the conclusive final line. Simply pulling a punch line out of thin air doesn’t work though…unless you’re willing to settle for true nonsense and what's the sense in that? But it’s nice to know once you’ve reached line six, all that’s left is repeating lines one and two.

So armed with the thought that Limericks are for sissies, and Triolets are the true calling for drifters with drifting brains, I'm jumping in.

Writing triolets should be fun
For I’ve no better thing to do
I may write lots before I’m done
Writing triolets should be fun
But here I am still stuck on one
Till I can find a rhyme for do
Writing triolets should be fun
For I’ve no better thing to do

Oy so tricky, and oy such rules?
foolish things these silly verses
A big time waste for us poor fools
Oy so tricky, and oy such rules
is there a secret set of tools?
whoops too late, it now reverses
Oy so tricky, and oy such rules?
foolish things these silly verses.


Will they won’t they bomb Iran?
In boldface asks the New York Times
Ehud Barak sure thinks he can
Will they won’t they bomb Iran?
Some say that that’s why Bibi ran
Serious shit for making rhymes
Will they won’t they bomb Iran?
In boldface asks the New York Times

Michelle, ma belle…
she’s at it again...and I quote:

Richard --

Every night in the White House, I see Barack up late poring over briefings, reading your letters, and writing notes to people he's met.

He's doing that for you -- working hard every day to make sure we can finish what we all started together.

This week, I need you to have his back.

Will you donate $3 or more to support Barack before Saturday's critical fundraising deadline?

https://donate.barackobama.com/Support-Barack

Thank you.

Michelle


I know she's a busy woman and has more important things to attend to, but they're putting her name on this stuff so she could at least consider for a moment if this is the best way to communicate. Especially since this administration goes out of its way to promote itself as plain-speaking, straight talking types. Would it be less effective if it just said "we need your support." and pretty much left it at that. And if they must dress it up with false intimacy, least they could do is avoid the silly guilt tripping stuff about Barack staying up late burning the midnight oil...all because he cares about...me?


Okay, I know. G.K. Chesterton was an anti-semite.
Or was he?
Adam Gopnik (in the course of praising him and celebrating his accomplishments) says he was, but qualifies that with a lot of wonderings and wanderings into G.K’s life and times and assorted other avenues and back alleys in order to come to grips with his own dilemma regards his high regard for the man’s work and less than high regard for some of the things he said. I came across a few things in the little I’ve read that sent mild chills down my neck (or is that up my spine?) –but I let it go because he generally seemed to use the word “jew” as a descriptive in reference to the behavior of specifically identified characters who were money manipulators and usurers.





"Look at them with their hooked beaks," Becky said, getting into the buggy, her picture under her arm, in great glee. "They're like vultures after a battle. Vanity Fair—W.M.Thackeray



Thackeray, Dickens, Even Shaw had much to answer for when it comes to stooping to ignorant stereotype. Not exactly a new story there.



And the fact that G.K.'s younger brother (who subsequently died during WWI) was a whistle blowing journalist who exposed insider trading schemes of top government officials and was then sued by the corrupt (and jewish) stock manipulator (see: The Marconi Scandal) for slander did little to soften Chesterton's views.








In turn of the century England, the issue wasn't just ethnicity, it was the immigration of foreigners of all kinds. Ethnic diversity was not an appetizing addition to the Prix Fixe menu of Victorian England.
But reading Chesterton when he’s talking about The Jew, or the The Jewish Problem or the Jewish Issue is like listening to a pastoral passage from Vivaldi’s Four Seasons and suddenly hearing a blast of Wagner horns blaring out a militaristic march.




What is most disturbing is realizing that if a man of Chesterton’s depth of understanding and generosity of spirit could be so infected with such a prejudice, then what does that say about how deep and poisonous that plague of prejudice was throughout the rest of the world. I remember having the same thought when I read Jack London’s virulent attacks against Jack Johnson and all African Americans. And nothing Chesterton said came even close to London's race baiting that verged on incitements to riot.

But history is always seen through the distorted prism of hindsight and there’s never a dearth of those seeking to find loose strands of scandal, even among the graves of those who in their own lifetime did more to heal humanity than hurt it. Chesterton died in 1936, but not too soon to see what was on the horizon. And he spoke out often and early, and was among the few who didn’t pull any punches, saying he was “ appalled by the Hitlerite atrocities…” and “…that I am quite ready to believe that (Hilaire) Belloc and I will die defending the last Jew in Europe.”

Now, let's talk about Ezra Pound...not.

Many years ago my cousin Bob (Brazilian and World Music Maven, Rocket Scientist and Master musician) introduced me to Elis Regina, and I was smitten. It also led me to listening (and learning to play what I could) to a host of other singers and musicians from Brazil and South America...all assisted by Bob's generous gift to me of dozens of CD's with his copious historical and musical notes and analyses. Thanks again Bob!


The album above is the one of a kind classic recording and I just came across a video online and can’t wipe the smile off my face. The song Aguas de Marco is famous (in Brazil, it was voted-in a public poll--the greatest song 'of all time') and though I've heard it all my life, I've grown to appreciate it more and more over the years.

I think it’s one of the best definitions of the expression: “…Greater than the sum of it’s parts.” The music alone is pretty and pleasing, but clearly repetitive-- the lyrics alone are clever and poetic but can seem (in reading) somewhat random and obscure --but put them together and the blending of the two creates something else entirely.

And I discovered an amazing thing just now...Jobim wrote the English translation!

That's stunning! Write a great melody, write a great lyric, then write the lyric in a second language (a poet in two languages?!) that not only captures all the beauty of the original, but fits perfectly and seamlessly into the rhythm and flow of the music. I'm in awe. English Lyrics are posted below.

It's a unique song structure with no distinct verse or chorus separation but rather two subtly different progressions that alternate back and forth and not always symmetrically. Whenever I play it I always get confused about when to make the change--even though I've played it a hundred times. And that's part of the beauty of it--it's like a river with two currents flowing side by side, and as you drift downstream you're never quite sure which current is carrying you...but it also doesn't really matter. And I can only assume that that is pretty much what Jobim was after considering the title and the lyrical content.

Call me Mr. Softee, but the sight of Tom himself singing along with an almost girlishly giddy and joyful Elis is both heartwarming and heartbreakingly beautiful to me. And knowing her body of work and the story of her life and sad early death…well that all factors into it too.

Jonathan Schwartz once introduced it on his radio show by saying: “Here’s a song that’s about….everything.”

First version is the charmer with Tom and Elis, DAMN...they won't let me embed it. This has happened before, and I can only hope it's those deserving (like Tom or Elis' family and relations--and not just a record company) who are the beneficiaries of this protective tactic. Okay, all is not lost, you can use the link and see it on YouTube....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qle1OrunKnE&feature=related

But I want to post something here, so here's a poignant Elis singing it alone with english subtitles...(which are not Jobim's and as a result are not nearly as good or musically apt) and there's nothing wrong with your computer (or other device) it's a choppy video but the audio is pretty clean. Hope you enjoy.






Aguas de Marco
The Waters of March
Antonio Carlos Jobim (Tom, to his friends)

A stick, a stone, it's the end of the road
It's the rest of a stump, it's a little alone

It's a sliver of glass, it is life, it's the sun
It is night, it is death, it's a trap, it's a gun

The oak when it blooms, a fox in the brush
The knot in the wood, the song of a thrush

The wood of the wind, a cliff, a fall
A scratch, a lump, it is nothing at all

It's the wind blowing free, it's the end of the slope
It's a beam, it's a void, it's a hunch, it's a hope

And the river bank talks of the waters of March
It's the end of the strain, It's the joy in your heart

The foot, the ground, the flesh and the bone
The beat of the road, a slingshot's stone

A truckload of bricks in the soft morning light
A shot of a gun in the dead of the night

A mile, a must, a thrust, a bump,
It's a girl, it's a rhyme, it's a cold, it's the mumps
.
The plan of the house, the body in bed
And the car that got stuck, it's the mud, it's the mud

A float, a drift, a flight, a wing
A hawk, a quail, oh, the promise of spring

And the river bank talks of the waters of March
It's the promise of life, it's the joy in your heart (repeat)

A point, a grain, a bee, a bite
A blink, a buzzard, a sudden stroke of night

A pin, a needle, a sting, a pain
A snail, a riddle, a wasp, a stain

A snake, a stick, it is John, it is Joe
A fish, a flash, a silvery glow

The bed of the well, the end of the line
The dismay on the face, it's a loss, it's a find

A spear, a spike, a point, a nail
A drip, drip, drip, drop, the end of the day

And the river bank talks of the waters of March
It's the promise of life in your heart, in your heart (repeat)

,the end of the road,a little alone

A sliver of glass, a life, the sun
A knife, a death, the end of the run

And the river bank talks of the waters of March
It's the promise of life, it's the joy in your heart

And the river bank talks of the waters of March
It's the promise of life, it's the joy in your heart

The waters of March,

And the river bank talks of the waters of March
It's the promise of life, it's the joy in your heart

I think Mitt's biggest challenge will be finding a running mate who's willing to go on the road with him while strapped to the roof of the campaign bus.

If Gail Collins keeps up her "dog on the roof" gag throughout the entire campaign, it could actually become a factor...couldn't it? Nah, what am I thinking? Hope I'm not turning into one of those internet bloggers who thinks a question like that is for real.


Marbury v. Medicine

Interesting article in Slate citing Madison v. Marbury as a precedent for current constitutionality debate on Health legislation.

http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/jurisprudence/2012/03/supreme_court_hears_affordable_care_
act_arguments_john_roberts_could_convince_his_fellow_justices_to_avoid_making_a_decision_.html

If one of the biggest objections to the new Health Care legislation is the mandatory factor and the penalty for non-compliance, how come no one's making a stink about auto insurance?

Chesterton has me under his spell. Whodda thunk a treatise (Orthodoxy) in defense of Christian Theology could be so seductive? But, it’s all in the approach. G.K. doesn’t play the partisan advocate so much as the eager explorer—and given his background and the time he lived in, I can easily overlook a certain level of myopia in his vision. And what a vision it is—almost childlike in its open-minded sense of wonder and curiosity, while nourished by a lifelong cultivation of disciplined thought and broad experience.

And just about done with The Man Who Was Thursday. It’s his Orthodoxy philosophy in a detective/suspense/thriller/Fairy Tale/ wrapper and a bit like reading a Conan Doyle tale soaked in a pungent brine of Swiftian satire. I assume he’s not more highly regarded by virtue of the fact that he’s so modest and devoid of the self serving habits that might have established his name more securely among the “Greats”. The very fact that he is so transparently uninterested in making himself the center of his philosophical perspective is the thing that makes him most persuasive and appealing.






I concede at the outset that it’s sophomoric, so proceed with caution and as Will once said before one of his stand-up routines…”lower your expectations.”

What is the perfect room temperature?
Warm enough to say no to hot chocolate, cold enough to say yes to whiskey.

What was the primary cause of the Civil War?
White people.

What are the first three things you do at work?
Pee. Get coffee. Pee.

What would you do if you had a time machine?
Give it to The Mets so they could get Jose Reyes back

If you were God what would you do first?
Deny my existence

Which super power would you most like to possess?
Flight

Second choice?
China

How do you deal with change?
I get rid of all the pennies except two, put the quarters in the car for tolls and put the rest in my pocket

Best way to cook chicken?
Stewed slow with lots of garlic, onions, celery, carrots and spuds

What’s the difference Louis CK and Greta Van Susteren?
One’s a shining wit while the other’s a whining shit.

Of the five senses, which would you least want to lose?
Hearing

Body part you wash first in the shower?
Pubes...to get a good lather going

Body part you wash last?
Feet

Breakfast, lunch or dinner?
Breakfast food for dinner.

Job you never had but always thought you’d like.
Bicycle repair

Best thing about living with a dog
The absence of need for conversation

You never speak to your dog?
Only when I need help with a crossword puzzle clue about the name of a breed

Which two fruits should be crossbred?
Raspberry and banana

Sock, shoe, sock, shoe or sock, sock, shoe, shoe?
Sock, sock, shoe, shoe.

Fill in the blank. _________makes me angry.
Network Television News.

____________makes me happy.
Bach

I’m sick of___________
Anything having to do with Vampires

When the Pope dies, is he being promoted or fired?
Forgiven

Best argument against Right to Lifers would be____________
If life begins at conception, then why can't pregnant women use the carpool lane?

Biggest mystery in the world is__________
What you plant to get a seedless watermelon? *

Could you be persuaded to kill?
No. But I could be provoked.

If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?
Only if their name is Texaco, Sunoco, Exxon...

What did you once believe that you no longer believe?
That I have all the time in the world.

What did you once think was a fact that turned out to be false?
That south of the equator, water goes down the drain in the opposite direction.

Why is it wise to give children middle names?
So they'll know when they're in trouble.

Can you give us an example of what you would consider a mixed emotion?
Watching Roger Ailes crash his private jet into my house.

Most ironic thing that ever happened to you?
Getting a paper cut from a get-well card

In what State is Lake Erie?
Liquid.

First thing you’d do if you had a week to live?
Get that time machine back from the Mets.

If you could be anyone from History, who would it be?
George Washington, then I wouldn’t need photo ID, I’d just use a quarter or a dollar bill.

How do you feel about generalizations?
Specifically?

Are you running out of things to post on your blog?
Isn't it obvious?

Are you going to post this Q & A session?
Probably

*Simply stated, the number of chromosomes (the threadlike bodies within cells that contain the inheritance units called genes) in a normal watermelon plant is doubled by the use of the chemical colchicine. Doubling a normal (diploid) watermelon results in a tetraploid plant (one having four sets of chromosomes). When the tetraploid plant is bred back, or pollinated, by a diploid or normal plant, the resulting seed produces a triploid plant that is basically a "mule" of the plant kingdom, and it produces seedless watermelons.

And what is the chemical Colchicine? That's interesting too.