OPRAH WINFREY, JERRY GARCIA, MUHAMMAD ALI AND SOCRATES WALK INTO A BAR…

…they find a cozy booth in the back, order an organic pomegranate martini, pitcher of sangria, tall Orange Juice, and Zythos respectively, and commence to chatting.

Oprah: I hope you like this booth, it’s reserved under my name any time I want it.

Socrates: Does that mean that no one else can sit here?

Oprah: No, they can, unless I want it.

Ali: What if they’re already sitting here when you come in?

Oprah: Oh, I see, well then they’re shown to another available table.

Socrates: Assuming there is one available?

Oprah: Well, yes I would imagine there would be one…

Jerry: …but if there is not?

Oprah: Well then that would be unfortunate for them.

Ali: Yeah, that’s just what Don King would say

Jerry: And Bill Graham.

THE DRINKS ARRIVE…

Oprah: A Toast! To good health, good fortune, and everlasting fame!

Socrates: Hmmmm.

Jerry: Count me out.

Ali: Nothing lasts forever.

Jerry: Weren't your boxing trunks Everlast?

Ali: You're funny, you remind me of me.

Oprah: Okay you party poopers… then how bout…To Us!

THEY ALL CLINK.

Oprah: Look, they have Muhammad's picture on the wall

Jerry: I remember that, you were Cassius Clay then right?

Ali: Yes, that was before I saw the light in the words of Allah

Jerry: Funny, that was just before I saw the light in the acid of Owsley.

Oprah: What year was that?

Ali: It was Nineteen hundred and sixty four, the year I shook up the world.

Oprah: Oh my, I was only ten years old, but I remember all the excitement in Nashville. All the girls thought you were so pretty.

Ali: I was the greatest and the prettiest.

Socrates: It is a rare thing to encounter an Olympian combatant who embodies both greatness and physical beauty—and even more rare if they are also theologically inclined.

Jerry: Ali is that rare thing. He is the true personified mythic hero, Scholar King, and Spiritual High Priest of the sweet science.

Ali: That’s a lotta fancy words for a hippie.

Jerry: Ha ha, yeah that’s me, a fancy talkin hippie.

Socrates: Hippie?

Oprah: Yes, I believe if the word existed in your day Sock, if I may call you that, you would have been their king.

Jerry: I believe old Socky here doesn’t approve of kings.

Socrates: Approval only comes from those seeking favor with the one desirous of it, which makes each unworthy of either.

Oprah: You boys think too much, what really matters is making your dreams come true, whatever those dreams may be.

Socrates: Being that dreams are by definition irrational, it would be a dangerous thing for all dreams to come true.

Oprah: Yes, but few are capable of realizing their dreams.

Jerry: Or is it that few are allowed to?

Ali: I used to dream about being a lion and chasing Tarzan in the jungle until he would climb up a tree and hide because he knew I was the true king of the jungle.

Jerry: They used to play those movies on TV with Johnny Weismuller as Tarzan…I used to wonder how come he never had a beard.

Ali: And even though he grew up in the jungle with all the Black african natives, he could speak English while they just mumbled all that Booga Booga Ungowa talk.

Socrates: ... is this Tarzan…a god?

Jerry: Yeah, kinda. An example of the “Noble Savage” representing lost innocence and natural virility –and particularly appealing to those from cultures most sorely lacking in both.

Socrates: I see. A symbolic form through which one attempts to replenish the soul with what has been sacrificed in the development of a material oriented hierarchal society.

Ali: I don’t know about that, but Tarzan was the only white guy in a jungle full of black folk and wild animals, and he still acted like he was in charge. That’s why I always was dreaming of chasing him.

Oprah: I used to dream of seducing him.

Jerry: Which...symbolically, you ended up doing.

Oprah: I told you…it’s about making your dreams come true.

Jerry: In music, it’s the opposite.

Socrates: Ah, this is something I would like to hear of more.

Jerry: Well, the essence of music cannot be put into words or explained in a rational way—but the making of music consists of taking things concrete and rational, like scales and intervals and harmony and rhythm and using them to create something that sounds and feels like a dream.

Ali: The truth is the fuel. The music is the engine. And the vehicle is the soul.

Jerry: I like that even better.

Oprah: I don’t know that much about music, but I know something about soul.

Socrates: When you say soul…is this something you believe to be real or an aspiration stemming from that which the mind has contrived in order to understand itself?

Jerry: Soul is heart. Some people have a lot of technique but it doesn't mean anything without the heart.

Ali: Gotta have heart or you will lose. Frazier had heart but Foreman didn’t. Not till later when he found salvation and learned that he was only a man.

Socrates: And only man can know he is only a man…and yet most men fear that knowledge.

Oprah: And women.

Socrates: Yes, of course…linguistic political correctness is new to me, please forgive me,

Jerry: I still say Chicks, which drives some chicks crazy….but hey, that’s chicks.

Ali: I always loved the ladies.

Socrates: Ah yes, and the fine young boys.

Ali: Say What!?

Jerry: Jesus Christ, I forgot that about you guys…what the fuck was that all about?

Socrates: Jesus who?

Oprah: Oh, that's right, you're from B.C. -- boy, you missed out on a lot.

Jerry: ......more like he was spared a lot.

Ali: Are you queer?

Oprah: Who me?

Ali: No, Nick the Greek here.

Socrates: I am many things, and all things, and many people find that queer.

Jerry: Hey man, it's all good right? Just don't tread on me, right?

Oprah: Listen, I’m running late for my weekly portfolio review at Goldman Sachs --but would you fellas like to do a show with me? I think it would be fun and America would enjoy it—and I know I could get sponsors who would pay very handsomely for the privilege.

Jerry: OK with me as long as I don't have to dress up and you keep it real.

Ali: For a Sister, ok…but don’t expect me to read any cue cards or anything like that. Cosell once wanted me to do that and I swiped the toupee off his head so fast he didn’t even know it was gone till he looked in the monitor and said “ Why is Kojack on the TV?”

Socrates: If it is a show, how can it be real?. But then again, what is real is only what we perceive it to be.

Oprah: Wonderful. You boys are so cute and so nice. And you deserve all the success you’ve had.

Jerry: Success is a trap, just keep on truckin and let the chips fall where they may.

Ali: Our creator gave us life, and with our life we honor him by showing him that we are worthy of that gift-- that's true success.

Socrates: Success is drinking the Hemlock and knowing it doesn’t matter.

Jerry: Hey Socky, we should jam some time.

OPRAH LEAVES; ALI FLIRTS WITH THE WAITRESS; JERRY PUTS A FEW QUARTERS IN THE JUKE BOX AND SOCRATES GOES TO THE BAR TO CATCH THE END OF THE GOP DEBATE.