THINGS WERE GETTING A BIT TOO EARNEST HERE, SO TODAY IT'S ONE LINERS, ALL ONE LINERS AND NOTHING BUT ONE LINERS.

Attribution provided when known, a few are original, but only a few. Some aren't funny (or meant to be funny )but my collection is poorly organized and I can't be bothered trying to fish them out...and apologies in advance for the "groaner" puns, it's a personal weakness I am determined never to overcome.


Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy writing blogs.

Why don't Warren Buffet and George Soros and the other Billionaires who say the rich pay too little in taxes, make voluntary overpayments on their own?

There are already millions of monkeys on millions of computers writing millions of blogs and none (of us) are coming even close to writing Hamlet.

Numbers that aren't divisible by two always seem odd to me.

PETA people are more opposed to fur than leather because rich ladies are easier to harass than Hell’s Angels.

Next time I go to the diner, I’m going to order a chicken sandwich and an egg sandwich and see which comes first.

Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.--Churchill

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

"Democracy is the worship of jackals by jackasses." -H. L. Mencken

"Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under." -H. L. Mencken

The world is full of givers and takers; the takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better

Biological researchers pull habits out of rats.

If you're caught with a ray gun will you go to prism?

I plead contemporary insanity

Adults are just kids who owe money

Suburbia is where they rip out the trees and then name streets after them

"Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable." -H.L. Mencken

Why didn't Noah leave out the two mosquitos?

To teach is to learn twice

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy." -Albert Einstein

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!" -Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars

"Don't let gravity get you down." -Albert Einstein

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

Headline: Marijuana Bill Sent To Joint Committee

Shouldn't the organization to stop drunk driving be called A.A.A.A.A. ?

I doubt, therefore am I?

Do the math, you have the same chance of winning lottery whether you play or not."
-Fran Lebowitz

I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't born a boy, I"d have had nothing to play with.--Rodney Dangerfield

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Recursive Definition: See Recursive Definition

As long as there are pop quizzes there will be prayer in school.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Originality is the art of judicious plagiarism.

Have you ever tried making another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt." -Bertrand Russell

AND FROM THE KING OF THE ONE LINERS:

The judge told The Drunk, "You've been brought in for drinking."
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." ---Henny Youngman.




An anagram of 'listen' is 'silent'.