I discovered this only recently (Title not from Twain, see below for actual title) and couldn't understand how I had missed it for the last 40 some odd years. But I assume it had been repressed or withheld or withdrawn or was stuck in probate or some such legal stranglehold. Now it's been published in book form (with introduction and illustrations as padding) even though it weighs in at 862 words--which is about the average length of a Chad Harbach unthought thought.   Anyway, I'm going to see what I can find out about the history and mystery of this long lost gem, while turning things over to the old master in the hope that you enjoy it (in its entirety) as much as I do. 

 Some Thoughts on the Science of Onanism
                          by Mark Twain

     [One evening in Paris in 1879, The Stomach Club, a society of 
American writers and artists, (I assume an all male fraternity) gathered to drink well, to eat a good dinner and hear an address by Mark Twain.  He was among 
friends and, according to the custom of the club, he delivered a 
humorous talk on a subject hardly ever mentioned in public in that 
day and age.  After the meeting, he preserved the manuscript among 
his papers.  It was finally printed in a pamphlet limited to 50 
copies 64 years later.]

_________________________________________________________________

     My gifted predecessor has warned you against the "social 
evil--adultery."  In his able paper he exhausted that subject; he 
left absolutely nothing more to be said on it.  But I will 
continue his good work in the cause of morality by cautioning you 
against that species of recreation called self-abuse to which I 
perceive you are much addicted.  All great writers on health and 
morals, both ancient and modern, have struggled with this stately 
subject; this shows its dignity and importance.  Some of these 
writers have taken one side, some the other.

     Homer, in the second book of the Iliad says with fine 
enthusiasm, "Give me masturbation or give me death."  Caesar, in 
his Commentaries, says, "To the lonely it is company; to the 
forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a 
benefactor.  They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they 
still have this majestic diversion."  In another place this 
experienced observer has said, "There are times when I prefer it 
to sodomy."
      
     Robinson Crusoe says, "I cannot describe what I owe to this 
gentle art."  Queen Elizabeth said, "It is the bulwark of 
virginity."  Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked, "A jerk in the 
hand is worth two in the bush."  The immortal Franklin has said, 
"Masturbation is the best policy."

     Michelangelo and all of the other old masters--"old masters," 
I will remark, is an abbreviation, a contraction--have used 
similar language.  Michelangelo said to Pope Julius II, "Self-
negation is noble, self-culture beneficent, self-possession is 
manly, but to the truly great and inspiring soul they are poor and 
tame compared with self-abuse."  Mr. Brown, here, in one of his 
latest and most graceful poems, refers to it in an eloquent line 
which is destined to live to the end of time--"None knows it but 
to love it; none name it but to praise."

     Such are the utterances of the most illustrious of the 
masters of this renowned science, and apologists for it.  The 
name of those who decry it and oppose it is legion; they have made 
strong arguments and uttered bitter speeches against it--but there 
is not room to repeat them here in much detail.  Brigham Young, an 
expert of incontestable authority, said, "As compared with the 
other thing, it is the difference between the lightning bug and the 
lightning."  Solomon said, "There is nothing to recommend it but 
its cheapness."  Galen said, "It is shameful to degrade to such 
bestial uses that grand limb, that formidable member, which we 
votaries of Science dub the Major Maxillary*--when they dub it at 
all--which is seldom,  It would be better to amputate the os 
frontis** than to put it to such use."

     The great statistician Smith, in his report to Parliament, 
says, "In my opinion, more children have been wasted in this way 
than any other."  It cannot be denied that the high antiquity of 
this art entitles it to our respect; but at the same time, I think 
its harmfulness demands our condemnation.  Mr. Darwin was grieved 
to feel obliged to give up his theory that the monkey was the 
connecting link between man and the lower animals.  I think he was 
too hasty.  The monkey is the only animal, except man, that 
practices this science; hence, he is our brother; there is a bond 
of sympathy and relationship between us.  Give this ingenuous 
animal an audience of the proper kind and he will straightway put 
aside his other affairs and take a whet; and you will see by his 
contortions and his ecstatic expression that he takes an 
intelligent and human interest in his performance.

     The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime 
are easily detectable.  They are these: a disposition to eat, to 
drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke 
and tell indelicate stories--and mainly, a yearning to paint 
pictures.  The results of the habit are: loss of memory, loss of 
virility, loss of cheerfulness and loss of progeny.

     Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the 
least to recommend it.  As an amusement, it is too fleeting; as an 
occupation, it is too wearing; as a public exhibition, there is no 
money in it.  It is unsuited to the drawing room, and in the most 
cultured society it has long been banished from the social board.  
It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been 
degraded to brotherhood with flatulence.  Among the best bred, 
these two arts are now indulged in only private--though by consent 
of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still 
permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo on the 
fundamental sigh.

     My illustrious predecessor has taught you that all forms of 
the "social evil" are bad.  I would teach you that some of these 
forms are more to be avoided than others.  So, in concluding, I 
say, "If you must gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone 
hand too much."  When you feel a revolutionary uprising in your 
system, get your Vendome Column*** down some other way--don't jerk it 
down.

Note:  Not that it would matter to Twain (who was well ahead of his time on masturbation), most biblical scholars today see Onan’s alleged “sin” as a reference to his disobedience of God’s alleged order to procreate. Instead, Onan engaged incoitus interruptus—withdrawing his penis before ejaculating. Masturbation had nothing to do with it. 
* in the area of the sinuses (as best I can tell) 
** frontal bone—forehead 
***Twain’s satiric reference is to a penis-like column (pictured left), originally put in place by Napoleon, which rises majestically in Paris like an obelisk or erect phallus in thePlace Vendôme. Napoleon himself stands on the head of this vertical shaft in full glory. 




Actually, I've softened (just a little) in my attitude about the new Blogger system--seems I just lacked the requisite intelligence to intuitively understand the toolbox set before me.  I guess I'm essentially a technophobe for whom every new learning curve on the information super-highway sends me back down a path full of potholes and roadblocking mules.  But I wrote the following before I reached my current comfort level and  hate to toss out any post that's all packed up and ready to ship.  So, with humble apologies to my host...I bring you--

TOP TEN REASONS TO POST YOUR BLOG ON: 

1O.  You suffer from insomnia, and the process of changing double spacing to single spacing can keep you occupied from dusk to dawn.

9. You love gizmos and gadgets with lots of features even if you don't know what they're for or how to use them.

8. You're a masochist

7. You're a masochistic insomniac who loves gizmos and gadgets

6. You actually hate writing your blog and welcome any chance to be distracted by lots of useless design and formatting options.

5. You want your readers to hate you because ...(see # 8)

4. It beats giving your business to Microsoft...or so you tell yourself.

3.   Chronic and unrelieved frustration helps to keep you in touch with the essence of the "creative temperament."

2.  They say that good writing comes from re-writing...so using Blogger may make you a great writer. 

1. 98% of your readers are in Russia, and can't understand a word you write anyway.

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