A Waist is a Terrible Thing to Mind
Chiasmus, Implied Chiasmus, Spoonerisms and other related diversions

• The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults. - Peter de Vries
• I'd rather be looked over than overlooked. - Mae West.
• Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. - Jacquelyn Small.
• In the 70's I threw in the 90's;
  In the 90's I throw in the 70's. - Frank Tanana.
• The instinct of a man is
  to pursue everything that flies from him, and to fly from all that pursues him. - Voltaire.
• When religion was strong and science weak, men mistook magic for medicine;
  Now, when science is strong and religion weak, men mistake medicine for magic. - Thomas Szaz

"Invention is the mother of necessity." — Thorstein Veblen

"When it comes to religion, some things have to be believed to be seen." — Ralph Hodgson

"Only the young die good." — Oliver Herford

Robert G. Ingersoll's:

"An honest God is the noblest work of man."

"Time's fun when you're having flies"
--Kermit

In the mid-1980s, Sports Illustrated ran an article that included a photograph of some official timers at a track meet. The caption said:

"These are the souls that time men's tries."

"Time wounds all heels"

Groucho Marx

An (apocryphal) Edwardian toast goes:
"Here's champagne for our real friends and real pain for our sham friends."

 experimental psychologists 
pull habits out of rats.

  "Hangovers are the 
wrath of grapes"
Dorothy Parker

 Bill Clinton was the subject of one in a contest held some years ago by The Washington Post. In reference to the Monica Lewinsky debacle, here was the winning entry.

Bill Clinton before: "I don't know how I can make this any clearer."

Bill Clinton after: "I don't know how I can clear this with my Maker.

• In a deliberate spoonerism, Illinois Governor Adlai Stevenson once stated, "Speaking as a Christian, I find the Apostle Paul appealing and the apostle Peale appalling" (in reference to Norman Vincent Peale, who had opposed his candidacy).

...and my mom liked the one about the theatre usher who asked: 
May I sew you to a sheet?