Nostradamus wrote his “predictions” in four-line verses (quatrains) and published them in groups of 100. I’ve read a few and it’s like bad Bob Dylan. For example:

The year 1999 seven months,

From the sky will come the great King of Terror.

To resuscitate the great king of the Mongols.
Before and after Mars reigns by good luck.

However, after John F. Kennedy Jr., his wife Carolyn Bessette and sister Lauren, were killed in a plane crash on July 18, 1999, the “retroprophets” shoehorned the event to fit the "prophecy."

I say, if you’re gonna make a prediction, come right out with it, put your money where your mouth is—and if you don’t have any money, then stake your blogging reputation on it— so, I bravely bring you my….




The GOP will nominate an ambitious and dissembling man or woman of dubious distinction as their candidate for the Presidency.

The NCAA will approve a new regulation requiring the installation of 24/7 security cameras in all locker rooms and Shower areas. At some point thereafter, someone will leak a copy of a tape to the press and all America will finally get to see what “horseplay” looks like.

The Euro will collapse, dozens of French, British and Spanish banks will fail, Greece will give up entirely, unemployment will rise, police violence will intensify as street demonstrations become commonplace, Paris and Rome will be converted into Rudeness and Religious theme Parks respectively and no one will miss a single siesta.

Sarah Palin will fade from the political scene, undergo a sex change operation and become a professional wrestler performing under the name of The Alaskan Avenger. In a record setting Pay-per-View telecast she will defeat two other WWE contenders: Newt (The Decency-Destroyer) Gingrich and Rick (The Judas of Justice) Perry.

Every major studio motion picture or television production will credit Steven Spielberg as an Executive Producer except those produced and shot in North Korea.

A half-hour scripted comedy called “ Don’t Panic” created by two unknown writers from NY will be picked up by a major network and become the surprise hit show of the year.

The total number of registered users on Facebook will exceed the total number of people on the planet. This will be explained by company CEO Mark Zuckerberg as a result of the fact that over 36% of Facebook users have multiple personalities.

Brooklyn NY will commence construction of an elevated parking garage that will cover the entire borough in order to accommodate the 3 million additional people entering the borough every day to check out new sports teams, avant-garde art, music, theatre, West African coffee, Costa Rican Tequila and imported Pago Pago persimmon popovers.

No one will be able to find a Taxi in mid-town Manhattan on Weekdays between the hours of 7am and 11:30 pm.

A Broadway musical will be produced based on the life of Oprah Winfrey, starring Oprah Winfrey, created, directed and produced by Oprah Winfrey and 50% of the profits will be donated to The Oprah Winfrey Foundation to benefit the beneficiaries of The Oprah Winfrey Foundation. Average ticket price will be $500. But 25 seats for each performance will be available to disadvantaged theatre lovers who will qualify by lottery for a chance to purchase an obstructed view seat at half price.

Every old non-flat screen television in America will be collected by a special federal government task force and then shipped to various trouble spots around the world—where they will be hooked up to a dedicated Satellite network that shows only Fox News, Nascar Races, World Wrestling Entertainment, Southern Evangelical programming, The Yule Log and Wheel of Fortune. By end of year, all wars will have ceased and worldwide obesity will increase by 7,000%.

There will be no music played on the radio composed before the year 1950. Early Rock & Roll will be called Baroque, 60’s rock will be called Classical, 70’s and 80’s Disco will be called Neo-Romantic, Punk will be called Early Modern, Blues and Country will be Roots and Gregorian respectively, Hip-Hop will be called Pop, R&B will be called Bedroom Beat (and will not include anything Rhythmic or Blusey) and Jazz won’t be mentioned at all.

Hot Dogs made from a combination of the pancreas and placenta of female Peruvian Llamas will be all the rage—and will sell for $20 per at chic restaurants in NY and LA.

Gail Collins will be credited with a journalistic World Record in The Guinness Book for mentioning Mitt Romney’s “dog on the roof of the car” adventure for the 288th time in her NY Times Column.

The US will send 25 million Segways to China to alleviate their traffic congestion, and in return China will send us 750 million Plaster of Paris models of The Statue of Liberty, Mount Rushmore, and John Wayne to jumpstart our tourist economy.

Richard Branson, Madonna and Bono will combine their talents in a world-wide fund-raising crusade to end war and poverty in the world. They will record a new updated version of: We are The World and only change the “We are” to “I am”.

All three of the above will perish in Branson's Hot Air Balloon when they are mistaken for a military aircraft and shot down by an Israeli defense missile while tossing free CDs over Palestinian refugee camp. Paul McCartney will be granted permanent title to all property (intellectual and otherwise) formerly owned by the other three which then makes him the richest left handed bass playing vegan on the planet.

The Social Security Administration will be taken over by Amazon.com. At retirement age one will simply register online with “One-Click” and receive monthly retirement benefits in the form of online coupons good for redemption on any Amazon product or service. An option for receiving benefits in cash will be available after filling out a seventy four page questionnaire about your personal preferences in music, literature, home furnishings, hobbies, electronics etc.

A major Airline will institute new FAST FLY program. For an additional fee, passengers will be able to bypass all security checks and clearances by transferring title of either home, car, or death benefit such as ones life insurance policy (as long as it exceeds half a million dollars) to the airline. FAST-FLY passengers will also be able to board early, enjoy a complimentary beverage (non-alcoholic) and spend up to 15 seconds of “Photo-Op- Face-Time” with the Flight crew.

An American car company will introduce an all-electric car that never needs gas, oil or any service maintenance. However, the battery will weigh 17 tons and the car will average approx 14 miles before requiring recharge. It will popular on golf courses and suburban senior citizen villages.

The #1 bestseller of the year will be: “How I Got Rich, Famous and Thin In Less Time Than it Took For You To Read This Title.”

Our vacation house in the Springs will still not be finished.