Why I won’t be watching The Olympics...*

The commercials.  If memory serves, there’s about 20 minutes of commercials every hour.  Yes, I know (all too well) advertising is a fact of free market life and it's what pays the way and allows us to see amazing things from around the world that we would otherwise never see...but as in all things...you gotta draw the line somewhere. That’s a third of your time spent watching  Pick-up trucks, Fast food Tacos,  frosty beer cans and repellent men’s grooming products flying, spinning,  and exploding across the screen accompanied by old rock songs you didn’t like when they were new. 

The commercials.  If memory serves, they show the same commercials over and over again—so even if you could tolerate one or two the first time , by the ninth time  you're too numb to change the channel and all you can do is sit stupefied while thinking you might  feel better if you ordered in some Chinese food.

The commercials.  If memory serves, there are special Olympic themed commercials that exploit  the jingoistic toxins of nationalist pride--all created with the hope that such patriotic fervor will seduce you into performing your civic duty and applying for a Visa Gold card today. 

The commercials.  If memory serves, in Olympic years in which the race for the White House is entering the home stretch, you'll have a ringside seat as the two contenders slug it out in 30 second bursts of bullshit-- throwing  specious statistical uppercuts and dubious junk fact hooks.  I'm the Drifter, and I approve this message. 

The commercials.  If memory serves, the network covering the games uses the air time to promote their fall line-up of new shows. New bad shows. Which means you'll be watching bad promos for bad shows...and that's not good.

The commercials.  They all stink.  Every last one of them.  Except the one I wrote and produced...that one's amazing.

*except maybe some soccer and maybe some track and field, and maybe the bike road race, and possibly a little tennis, and i do like that white water Kayaking--and maybe some of that synchronized water ballet-- cause now they have cameras underwater where you can see them kickin like crazy while from the neck up they're all  slicked down shiny hair**and frozen ear to ear smiles--but joking aside, I knew a woman who competed in that event and she was the strongest swimmer I ever saw and could hold her breath for over three minutes underwater.   


**The secret to the perfect hair that doesn’t seem to move is horse cartilage. Yep, swimmers buy a package of regular Knox (a.k.a. unflavored Jello), and mix with water--- the key ingredient in the paste is soft equine cartilage  that is apparently quite healthy for the hair.