Books. Your key to better health.

Natural. Safe. And proven effective for the treatment of...

Memory Loss:  Open a copy of Tolstoy's War and Peace to list of characters.   Beginning with Bezukhov, Count Kirill Vladimirovich, learn 4 names every 8 hours until all are memorized.   Be sure to include character details where provided, i.e. Sofya Alexandrovna--orphaned cousin of the younger Rostovs. 

Insomnia: Obtain a copy of "The Beast in the Jungle" by Henry James. Climb into bed.  Arrange pillows and blankets for comfort.  Begin reading.  Drowsiness should commence almost immediately.  Repeat as often as necessary.

Somnambulism  Collect complete works of Joyce Carol Oates, Stephen King and R.L. Stine.  Scatter the books on the floor throughout the house.  This will disrupt routes taken during sleepwalking and most likely prevent room to room walking of any kind in any size house. 

Attention Deficit Disorder :  Listen to the Audio version of The Pale King by David Foster Wallace. (Important: Must include footnotes).  As soon as you've lost contact with his train of thought and begun wondering about how many different kinds of Pez dispensers there are, quickly switch to audio version of Dog of the South by Charles Portis and your attention to the audio will return with clarity and focus as you discover that you don't have A.D.D. at all, and it's just that some things aren't worth the attention.  

Compulsive overeating:  Put aside your Kindle, iPad, smart-phone or other digital reading devices.  Get hold of a large hardcover unabridged non-fiction book--preferably an account of a major war or long historical era.  Book should be minimum of 900 pages.  Read uninterruptedly during waking hours.  Note:  You Must Hold book in your hands at all times.  Do not rest on table or lap.  You should see positive results within three to four hundred pages. 

Depression: If, as some say, depression is rage and resentment minus enthusiasm, then what you need is a safe outlet for your anger. So, proceed to your nearest bookstore or library and find all the novels written by Ayn Rand. Remove them from the shelves and re-file them under Fantasy/Horror. Those with fiction allergies, substitute with a copy of anything written by a Rand acolyte--list includes Alan Greenspan, Clarence Thomas, Paul Ryan, Ron Paul, Rush Limbaugh... 

Chronic Anxiety: Go online and search for Eric Hoffer quotes.  Print out all the quotes that relate to fear, purpose, confusion, self doubt, self esteem etc.   Cut out the quotes into individual units. Scotch tape the quotes on walls and furniture all around your house.  If you fail to see results within first week, supplement  with regular reading of Paul Krugman's column on NY Times Op-Ed page and consider that despite what he knows, and what he sees coming, he remains a pretty happy guy with a pretty good life.

Osteoporosis: 
For healthier bones and stronger muscles...

Step 1: Procure multiple copies (4-8) of Pale Fire by Vladimir Nabokov.
Step 2: Glue all the books together and attach a strap or handle to the combined unit.
Step 3:  Attach 4-8 feet (depending on your height ) of rope or durable cord to handle.
Step 4:  Hold other end of rope and begin swinging books in a wide arc over your head.
Step 5:  Continue swinging at ever accelerating speed.  (Feel the burn!)
Step 6:  Release the rope and let the pedantry fly.
Step 7:  Repeat Step 4-6  three times daily until you are able to send the books over the roof of your house, across the avenue and into the dumpster behind the CVS pharmacy--where (if desirous of continuing treatment) you can retrieve it later on your way to filling all your non-literary chemical based prescriptions.