Wednesday Advisories

Dear Drifter,

I’ve been watching Mad Men for a few years and wondered if in the real world of advertising in those days there was so little work to do that everyone just spent all their time smoking, drinking, playing mind games, and/or indulging in neurotic obsessions and sexual liaisons with the boss or the client or the new girl down the hall.  Just Curious…

-Madison A. Von Hugh

Hey Maddie, 

Yes.  Mad Men is historically accurate, keeping in mind that the "everyone" you refer to only comprised .001% of those in the industry.  The rest (who you will never see) were (and still are) decent, honest,  hard working professionals in crowded offices, writing copy, drawing storyboards, designing layouts, keeping records, planning productions, managing budgets and deadlines, shooting photos, film and video,  printing, editing, producing, organizing, researching,  and going on the road to work and stay alone in hotels in places like Cleveland.  Unfortunately, you will never see a show about them because the people who bring you shows like Mad Men are the equivalent of the aforementioned .001% in the TV industry.

Dear Drifter,

I couldn’t get on the internet at home, so I thought it might be the cable control box outside.  I was out there trying to figure it out for about ten minutes and when I came back in the house, I found my dog running around like crazy chasing a Skunk.  Before I could do anything the skunk sprayed the dog and took off through the back door.  Then I couldn’t find my dog and by the time I did she had run through the whole house and stunk up every room.  I spent the rest of the day outside washing the dog over and over in Baking Soda, dish washing liquid and Peroxide, and she’s almost stink-free now---but now I've still got the problem in the house. It's indescribable,  I can barely breathe.  Please advise.

--Diane Fromme D'Oder

Dear Ms. D'Oder,

Try unplugging the internet router and modem for 30 seconds, then plug both back in and wait for it to reset.

Dear Drifter,

I ride the train to work in the morning and every day the same group of four women get on at the next stop and start yapping and giggling and telling stories about their brilliant kids and their delicious dinner parties and the amazing GPS system in the new BMW SUV while passing iPads (in Ostrich leather Louis Vuitton covers) back and forth to look at all the pictures and videos they took of all the above. They’re driving me so nuts with their boushie bullshit I just want to get up and punch them all out. 

--Will Gopostelle

Hi Will , 

First, you gotta calm down.  Count to ten.  Okay?  Now, whether you like it or not, we live in a democracy (theoretically) where majority rules.  And you, my distressed friend, are in the minority here.  The train is a public domain.  These women have no fewer rights than you do, and from your description, may be inclined to fight for them.   Therefore, you need to put aside your reactive anger and think rationally. Make a plan, then rehearse it over and over in your head until you are absolutely sure that each of your punches will be accurate, swift and effective.  BTW: With a good lawyer, you could be out in six months.

Most Frequently Asked Questions

asked by the 2013 Cicadas

How's the Enron Stock doing?

President who? 

 He's what? 

What happened to the World Trade Center?

You still haven't finished the Second Ave. Subway?

What's with all the Sushi?

Can you spare Thirteen Dollars so we can go over the GW Bridge?

Did they rename the city Trump yet?

They tried to pass a law banning Sodas?
2 Grand a month for an apartment in Bed-Stuy?

They're still making Star Trek Movies?

What are all those glowing rectangles everyone's staring at?

Jason Kidd is still playing?
How many views are we getting on YouTube?

You'll never lose another phone # or address, if you use Anywho 

White pages, yellow pages, international listings, and a toll-free directory.

What the Opsimath knows...or

Some old dogs can learn new tricks...

...Trying to be conscious of your unconscious is a fools errand

Too Creepy?
 I agree, but nifty piece of photoshopping. 

...nobody cares what you know if they don't know that you care.

...you will never see yourself as others see you, and that's a good thing.

...your accomplishments will be resented as much as they are admired.

...practicing scales can be fun if you do it musically

...The human knee was very very poorly designed.

...Enjoyment of Theatre is in direct proportion to knee room at your seat and in inverse proportion to the height of the person in front of you. 

Thank You...

...Kathryn Shulz for articulating all the reasons The Great Gatsby isn't...
http://www.vulture.com/2013/05/schulz-on-the-great-gatsby.html

excerpt:
"The Great Gatsby might be the least funny book about rich people ever written. The British, who kick our ass at writing about class, know how useful a dash of humor is—how it can lift up or deflate, jostle or soothe, comfort or eviscerate.  In leaving that note out, Fitzgerald is not just making a stylistic choice, nor even just signaling his solemnity of purpose. He is all but inventing a new narrative mode: the third-­person sanctimonious. From the story of America’s self-consuming profligacy, corruption, and avarice, he omits himself and his moral proxy—and, by extension, us.

...Phillip Kerr for keeping the sardonic, world-weary and always honorable Bernie Gunther alive as he continues to search for his soul in what is now the 10th installment of the Berlin Noir series. Although after the plodding plotting of Field Grey and the somewhat formulaic locked door mystery claustrophobia of Prague Fatale, I thought Bernie had outworn his welcome on my bedside table...but from what I gather, the mighty Kerr is back in top form with this one that fills in a major gap in the life of the Marlowesque master of the defining detail...
 “The isosceles of muscles between her chin and her collar-bone had stiffened, like something metallic. If I’d had a little wand I could have used it to tap out the part for triangle in the Bridal Chorus from Lohengrin.”

more at http://www.philipkerr.org

"I never met a shot I didn't like" 

...Carmelo Anthony for making it easier to spend game nights without biting my nails now that I don't really care about the final outcome and almost dread the prospect of another Knack-less Knick series.  You owe each of your hardworking teammates a brand new Lamborghini or two just for keeping you from being run out of town--as it's become abundantly clear that you just don't know how to share or play with others.  But you  do have a  sartorial splendor of sorts (the thuggish sort) off the court-- that could portend a future in the Hall of Frazier, if not Fame.

While I squander my time watching the Knicks squander their chances to recapture my affections, Ellen is usually tapping away on her Kindle juggling multiple contests with her Words with Friends foes--so for her and her crowd of logophiles, here're some unusual but acceptable words for Scrabble and Words with Friends players that employ common prefixes and suffixes .

 BEBLOOD, BECHALK, BEDIAPER, BEFINGER, BEUNCLED, DENUDER, ENDAMAGE, MISMEET, MISTRYST, NONEGO, OUTCHIDE, OUTECHO, OUTFROWN, OUTGNAW, OUTHOWL, OUTPLOD, OUTSNORE, OUTSULK, OUTYELP, OVERCOY, OVERFAT, OVERFOUL, OVERHOLY, OVERMEEK, OVERPERT, OVERSUP, SEMIHOBO, SUBSHRUB, TAKEABLE, GIVEABLE, DOGDOM, MOVIEDOM, SODALESS, LORNNESS. 

(Right) What many a domestic argument is really about...

I know I should, but I just can't...

Floss everyday.  (Let alone every week.)

Review/study/understand bank statements or Tax returns

Watch even one episode of Mad Men

Practice multiple octave diminished scales without getting a headache

Use the Power Drill for driving screws

Use the dishwasher without feeling like a lazy cheat 

Take an umbrella with me to work if it's not raining at that very moment 

Wear socks on weekends 

Sharpen my wood carving tools regularly

Make an appointment for a colonoscopy 

(Thanks once again to Drew and Natalie of Marriedtothesea.com for the apt and, as always, illustrative inspiration)

He even sleeps gracefully

I just gotta say a word or two or a hundred about Stephen Curry since old buddy and Blogging mentor Teddy Vegas waxed so eloquently about this B'ball Baryshnikov that I had to check him out for an extended look.  I thought I'd never use this term, but OMG!!!  The guy is transcendent.  Like Ali, Gretsky, Federer...he's the athlete who can make people who know nothing about the game drop their jaws in awe.  If LeBron is a Raging Bull, and Kobe a tireless Thoroughbred --then Curry is a graceful, swift, soaring, gliding, swooping, exquisitely elegant Eagle.  

THE WEIRDEST SENTENCE IN THE U.S. 
CONSTITUTION. 
POSTED BY HENDRIK HERTZBERG
You can cite a dozen reasons why the U.S. Senate is so dysfunctional--but here's the one that explains how by design, it was practically doomed to become so.

Read Hertzberg's post in it's entirety with links to more at:http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/hendrikhertzberg/2013/04/the-weirdest-sentence-in-the-us-constitution.html?intcid=obnetwork

APOLOGIES FOR BEFUDDLING FORMATTING BUT HAVE LOST ALL CONTROL OF TYPEFACE, SPACING, SIZING ET. AL.  WILL TRY AND LEARN WHY AND HOW TO FIX BEFORE NEXT POST. IN THE MEANTIME, GONNA GRAB A BOTTLE OF ALEVE AND GO BACK TO THOSE DIMINISHED SCALES.

Could it be that...

...those who cultivate an attitude of absolute certainty were at some time in their lives absolutely right about a certain issue and were thwarted or ignored or silenced and thus have been ever since seeking restitution for past injustices?
I'm absolutely certain that this is the case.


... demographically determined niche marketing to "like minded" groups and sub-groups is  eroding the "melting pot" communality required for democracy to function effectively?  I wonder if all Brazilian music listening, guitar playing bloggers and wood carving hobbyists would agree.

...the desire to be famous (or infamous) has outstripped the appetite for wealth--and the culture of celebrity is more socially corrosive than even the most extreme instances of money grubbing greed?  I don't know if this is true, but I hope I become famous for saying it.

Winding down my deep dive into Jewish history and the story of Israel and came across a short article entitled Israel's Peculiar Position by Eric Hoffer that ran in The LA Times in 1968, about a year after the Six Day War.   Entire article at: http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1675470/posts

excerpt:

“The Jews are a peculiar people: Things permitted to other nations are forbidden to the Jews. Other nations drive out thousands, even millions of people, and there is no refugee problem. Russia did it. Poland and Czechoslovakia did it. Turkey threw out a million Greeks and Algeria a million Frenchmen. Indonesia threw out heaven knows how many Chinese--and no one says a word about refugees. 
Everyone expects the Jews to be the only real Christians in this world.” 
― Eric Hoffer

Pet Peeve...

 MFAUQ: Most frequently asked unanswerable questions...

How cool is that?

How should I know?

Can I ask you something?

Who do they think they are?

Can we talk?

Are you for real?
What am I, chopped liver?

Remember me?
Can you do me a favor?
Do I look lost?
Are you nuts?

STUDIES* SHOW... 

…that people who drink more than 16 ounces of coffee before leaving home for work in the morning are more likely to ignore laws prohibiting public urination.

87.7% of men who pay $200 for a haircut say that it is because it's twice as good as a $20 haircut.  When informed that "...if true, that would still mean you're overpaying by $160..." 64% of them just shrugged and took a sip of their $500 a bottle wine. 

…that crossword puzzle clues requiring knowledge of reality TV show stars are 82 % more likely to remain unanswered (and resented) by puzzle solvers born before 1978.

 Apples And Oranges are  closely related.

"Not only was this comparison easy to make, but it is apparent from the figure that apples and oranges are very similar. Thus, it would appear that employing the apples and oranges metaphor as a way of indicating significant differentiation can no longer be considered valid-- and can be anticipated to have a dramatic effect on the strategies used in arguments and discussions in the future." 

…Over 77% of Music industry executives above the age of 50 are often found wandering aimlessly through the office corridors of their respective entertainment conglomerates and/or on the streets of their respective cities searching in vain for the nearest Sam Goody, Virgin, or Tower Records store.

…99.92 % of all smart phone users use .034% of the available applications and tools available on such devices.  Texting,  playing games, checking e-mail, and “pretending to be doing stuff to keep from interacting with those around me” constitute the four most popular uses.

...81% of Wall Street analysts employed by media companies to provide expert commentary are not professional Wall Street analysts. And 58% of the remaining 19% who claim that they are, are liars. 

*HYPOTHESES, METHODOLOGY, CONCLUSIONS AND DATA UNVERIFIED

Deceptive Sports Statistic Alert:  

Listening to guy on radio talking NBA.  Cites the statistic that with a series level at 2-2, "the team that wins game 5 has gone on to win the series 18 times out of 24."  Thus  concluding that a game five victory provides "momentum" going into the final 2 games. 

Momentum?  Consider: the team that is down 2 to 3 needs to win both remaining games. That means a 50% chance in each, and a  25% chance of winning both games , yes?  So in 24 games the team that's down has a probability of winning the series six times.   Which is  precisely what has happened historically. Winning game 5, in other words, has conferred no special "momentum".  You math wizards out there correct me if I'm wrong, but I think what's more significant is that the history is so consistent with the probability.  You'd think that home court advantage, injuries, superstar with flu etc... at some point  would have skewed the numbers a bit by now. 

 Dedicated to my son Will

...those birds chirping in the morning. Those goddamn birds!  At 5 in the morning!

...Times Square is back to smelling like Times Square

...The Tourists are wearing shorts.  And shivering.

...Our dog got skunked.  (A week ago.  She still stinks. And so does the house)

...The frozen grassless patches in the backyard are now mud.

...The sunlight through the window is making it hard to watch 7 o'clock Jeopardy. 

...The DIY Woodworking magazines feature plans for making picnic tables 

...Metro North trains are on time.

...It's hard to find a bike rack space at the station.

...Comedians are doing sexually oriented jokes that begin with
"You know it's Spring when..."

...You now realize that the woman  on 15th floor isn't getting fat, she's pregnant. 

Bloggers feel even worse than usual about sitting in dark rooms in front of computers tapping out their daily doodles on beautiful days.

Don't do it Raymond.  Just don't do it!

Rare all Hoops Post today.  Usually avoid topic in deference to TeddyVegas http://www.randomactsofcommentary.com who simply outshines them all and is the Philosopher King of Roundball.  However, it's a big night in Beantown and I'm into it--  even though a family social obligation will prevent me from catching all but the final minutes--if that. Game 5 was a bruiser.  Brutal under the boards--freaky from the field.   Melo clanked 16 out of 24 (0 for 5 from the arc) and J.R. saw only 3 of his 14 launches touch twine. ; On other end, Jeff Green poured in 18 and J. Terry made timely deposit of 5 treys.  Will pendulum swing back other way? And BTW: Do you ever wonder if missed FG's should be considered turnovers? -- just for the record:  Melo ranks #1 in FG attempts in Playoff games and #3 career. Pierce is #9 and 28 respectively. 

If Knicks tumble on the Parquet floor it'll set up a Sunday scorcher on 7th Avenue with historic dimension of chance for the winking Leprechaun  to break the 3 zip series deficit barrier with his handmade wood shillelagh.

(Damn, another reason to feel Greenish) 

I wish the Garden-ers would stop trampling the blooms and making hard earned pride look like thug arrogance.   Donning all black on Wed. nite to signal funeral rites for Boston was just plain street stupid. I hate to admit it, but I fist pumped along with KG when he hit that tough 20 footer over a fooled Chandler in final minutes. I guess somewhere in my soul I felt Knicks deserved a spanking.   Would that funeral stunt spell class under any circumstances?  If Knicks survive, they'll continue to pay for it and I'm sure most of them already regret it.  Think that Jr. High School cafeteria jawing session after final buzzer wasn't direct result of the coffinated dis?  Surprised Woodson didn't shut that down the moment K. Martin suggested it.  

 And somebody has to talk to Spike Lee about his wardrobe--though he has set aside the oversized singlet  over the oversized jacket--and hats off to Woody Allen for donning the distressed Khaki Cap--nice contrast with the fabulous fashionistas sitting in the (if you gotta ask, you can't afford it)  court-side seats. 

Key to game 6. If Knicks are down 10 or more at halftime and Carmelo flashes that ironic/moronic smile as he goes to locker room, it's trouble for NY. But if Knicks are up 10 or more at halftime and Carmelo smiles as he goes to lockers, it's even worse trouble. 

All that said though, as wise Woody (Applebome, not Allen) observed, it's tough being a Knick fan once you know something about team and Garden Kingpin and Keith Richards wannabe Jim Dolan. Can't go much lower on the Homo erectus chart than this Boy Blunder and still be considered related to the species. And if you know anyone (as both Woody and I do) who've had the pain and misfortune of having to work for or under that wild child, it ain't easy to ignore the stench from the front office as you draw breath to shout Let's Go Knicks.   

 Celtics 97  Knicks 92...(in overtime) 

(At last minute I reversed myself and pulled up anchor in the Hudson and made sail for  The Charles--why? --cause I'm happier expecting the worst)

A Pre-game Triolet

(which I hope will appear bitter and sour in retrospect as the Knicks proceed to drive the lanes, pop from the perimeter and dig down deep on D... on their way to Champsville) 

From the Apple’s wondrous Garden all the juices have been drained

Cablevision heir Jim Dolan is the worm that ate the core

On superstars and corporate perks his venal eye is trained

From the Apple’s wondrous Garden all the juices have been drained

Faithful fans endured Isaiah, trades, dumb contracts, good men stained

When all they ever wanted was a game played right, no more

From the Apple’s wondrous Garden all the juices have been drained

Cablevision heir Jim Dolan is the worm that ate the core. 

"Whimsical curiosity begets a quixotic odyssey and troubling revelations about plastics polluting the seas in former high school teacher and journalist Hohn's charming account of what he learned searching for 28,800 rubber bath toys lost at sea in 1992...."

So begins the editorial review on Amazon of the book Moby Duck.

Mother Nature Network at:  http://www.mnn.com/earth-matters/wilderness-resources/stories/what-can-28000-rubber-duckies-lost-at-sea-teach-us-about-

tells the story...

"In 1992, a shipping crate containing 28,000 plastic bath toys was lost at sea when it fell overboard on its way from Hong Kong to the United States. 

Since that fabled day in 1992 when they were unceremoniously abandoned at sea, the yellow ducks have bobbed halfway around the world. Some have washed up on the shores of Hawaii, Alaska, South America, Australia and the Pacific Northwest; others have been found frozen in Arctic ice. Still others have somehow made their way as far as Scotland and Newfoundland, in the Atlantic."

Perhaps the most famous Floatees, are the 2,000 of them that still circulate in the currents of the North Pacific Gyre — a vortex of currents which stretches between Japan, southeast Alaska, Kodiak and the Aleutian Islands that the plight of the duckies helped to identify.

"I have a website that people use to send me pictures of the ducks they find on beaches all over the world," said Curtis Ebbesmeyer, a retired oceanographer and Floatee enthusiast. "I'm able to tell quickly if they are from this batch. I've had one from the UK which I believe is genuine. A photograph of it was sent to me by a woman judge in Scotland."

Collector Dean Orbison with turtles, ducks, beavers, and frogs.
After 12 years adrift, the frogs and turtles remained true-blue to
 their original colors (green and blue, respectively),
whereas the ducks and beavers faded from yellow and red to white,
respectively. Dorothy Orbison photo

"We always knew that this gyre existed. But until the ducks came along, we didn't know how long it took to complete a circuit," said Ebbesmeyer. "It was like knowing that a planet is in the solar system but not being able to say how long it takes to orbit. Well, now we know exactly how long it takes: about three years."

And I only bring you the story above because I just began reading this book.  Tells the story of the destruction of a whaling ship in 1820 by an angry Sperm Whale.  Whale of a tale, and fascinating history--and having learned that the story it tells was Herman Melville's primary inspiration for Moby Dick...I went digging for more and by typing a "u" instead of an "i" (which are next to each other on the qwerty keyboard), I ended up spending my lunch hour with Moby Duck.  

“A feud is this way: A man has a quarrel with another man, and kills him; then that other man's brother kills him; then the other brothers, on both sides, goes for one another; then the cousins chip in -- and by and by everybody's killed off, and there ain't no more feud. But it's kind of slow, and takes a long time.” 
― Mark Twain, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

If someone was preaching weekly sermons based on this book, I'd be the most regular attending congregant in town.  I offer the link below as exhibit A in making my case that of all the fictional texts that provide the basis for a multitude of faiths in the world-- few  (in my limited knowledge)  serve up as much practical and dependable spiritual guidance as this single work of imaginative genius.  Hyperbole?  Judge for yourself here with large sampler at:

http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/1835605-the-adventures-of-huckleberry-finn?page=1


Or if you prefer to stay where you are, here's a smaller sampler.  


“If you are with the quality, or at a funeral, or trying to go to sleep when you ain't sleepy - if you are anywheres where it won't do for you to scratch, why you will itch all over in upwards of a thousand places.” 

“Right is right, and wrong is wrong, and a body ain’t got no business doing wrong when he ain’t ignorant and knows better.” 

“All kings is mostly rapscallions, as fur as I can make out.” 

“The pitifulest thing out is a mob; that's what an army is--a mob; they don't fight with courage that's born in them, but with courage that's borrowed from their mass, and from their officers."

“You can't pray a lie -- I found that out.”

“My, you ought to seen old Henry the Eight when he was in bloom. He was a blossom. He used to marry a new wife every day, and chop off her head next morning. And he would do it just as indifferent as if he was ordering up eggs. 'Fetch up Nell Gwynn,' he says. They fetch her up. Next morning, 'Chop off her head!' And they chop it off. 'Fetch up Jane Shore,' he says; and up she comes, Next morning, 'Chop off her head'—and they chop it off. 'Ring up Fair Rosamun.' Fair Rosamun answers the bell. Next morning, 'Chop off her head.'   ..... All I say is, kings is kings, and you got to make allowances. Take them all around, they're a mighty ornery lot. It's the way they're raised.” 

“That is just the way with some people. They get down on a thing when they don’t know nothing about it.” 

“It's lovely to live on a raft. We had the sky, up there, all speckled with stars, and we used to lay on our backs and look up at them, and discuss about whether they was made, or only just happened- Jim he allowed they was made, but I allowed they happened; I judged it would have took too long to make so many.” 

“What got you into trouble?" says the baldhead to t'other chap.
"Well, I'd been selling an article to take the tartar off the teeth—and it does take it off, too, and generly the enamel along with it—” 

“If you tell the truth you do not need a good memory!” 

The climactic moment in the narrative is when the runaway slave Jim is betrayed by The Duke and Dauphin and sold  “for forty dirty dollars,” to the Phelpses--who then lock Jim in their shed, where he awaits his return to his rightful owner for a $200 reward.  Huck goes back to the raft to figure out what to do next, and talks about the lessons he learned in Sunday school and what happens to people who don't report runaway slaves to the "authorities."

“People that acts as I’d been acting about [Jim],” he’d been told, “goes to everlasting fire.” 

(After all, the Bible is clear: “Slaves obey your earthly masters with respect and fear”- Ephesians 6:5.) 

Huck feels genuine conviction regarding his sin and, fearful of his certain fate in hell unless he changes course, he decides to write a letter to Jim’s owner, Miss Watson, to tell her where Jim can be found. After writing the letter he muses:  

" It was a close place. I took it up, and held it in my hand. I was a trembling, because I'd got to decide, forever, betwixt two things, and I knowed it. I studied a minute, sort of holding my breath, and then says to myself:"All right, then, I'll go to hell"- and tore it up."  

“Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR
per
G.G., CHIEF OF ORDNANCE”