Dear Abbey.

Dear Abbey,

I've watched every episode of every season and not once have I seen anyone use the bathroom.  What gives? 

Constipated in Connecticut

Dear Connie,

The show is quite accurate in this respect, the clothing worn (by the upper classes in particular) during that period in England comprised many layers with scores of buttons, accessories, laces and belts and the like, so any attempt to disassemble it all for the purposes of waste elimination was rendered virtually impossible. Have you noticed how they all have such good posture?  Well, that is due less to proper breeding and more a result of everyone keeping their ass cheeks as tightly pressed together as possible to avoid what would certainly be a most humiliating and possibly scandalous embarrassment.

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Dear Abbey,

Lord Grantham and Lady Grantham seem to be highly educated and intelligent people.  Yet neither is capable of getting dressed without assistance.  Please advise.

Bewildered and Bothered in Saratoga

Dear BABS,

See previous answer.

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Dear Abbey,

I will not and I cannot accept the fact that Matthew is dead.  

Please say it isn't so. 

Sobbing on Sunday

Dear SOB, 

 Matthew doesn't exist.  He never did.  He's a fictional character in a made-up story played by an actor who for very real non-fiction reasons has chosen to pursue other professional options.  Get over it. 

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Dear Abbey,

Considering how many meals are served and consumed, and how little physical exercise is taken by anyone at Downton, how is it that no one is fat or even a bit plump?  Is Lady Grantham a closet Bulimic?  

Jealous and Pissed

Dear JAP,

Perhaps you hadn't noticed, but Dowton Abbey is a rather large  place.  The Grounds and surrounding acreage most likely exceeds that of Central Park in NY-- perhaps by a great margin. Also, the house ( actually, a Castle) is roughly the equivalent in square footage to The Metropolitan Museum of Art.  Have you ever been there?  Have you ever walked through the rooms from one end to the other?  Were you hungry afterwards?  Why do you think there are so many food vendors just outside on Fifth Ave.?  At Downton, the energy expended getting into your dinner clothes and then making the trek from your dressing room to the dining hall is more than sufficient to burn whatever calories one might consume during the standard fourteen course meal to follow.

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Dear Abbey,

Much of this last season revolved around financial affairs, but no mention has ever been made of any of the particulars.  How much did Lord Grantham lose in his failed investment?  How much did Matthew inherit from his (almost) father in law? How much does it take to maintain Downton?  How much money is spent on the staff?  How much does someone like Mr. Carson make? How much money does Lady Grantham's mother have? 

Just Enquiring in Westchester

Dear JEW,

The answer to all your questions (except Mr. Carson's salary) is...a shitload.