I want my epitaph to read:
"Select All.  Delete."

Seems a fitting way to shuffle off this mortal coil during which I've spent countless hours devoted to the task of weeding my digital garden in order to create some space for the cultivation of more soulful plantings.   In short, my vocational obligations are crowding out my avocational enthusiasms and leaving me no choice but to search the archives for  past posts that (with a little tweaking here and there) might serve to keep this blog from wilting any further due to chronic neglect.  Here's something I found in my "Drafts" folder, which may or may not look familiar since I've no idea if I posted it before and haven't the time or inclination to confirm one way or the other.



All bloggers 
are not writers; 

 all writers are not essayists;

and all essayists are not Arthur Krystal.

Ellen and I met Arthur (who I've written about before) through our friends Eda and Richard. And when I saw that the book I was looking at on Eda's coffee table had his name on it, I was intrigued. So I got a copy of Agitations (or did he lend me his? Or was that Eda's?) and I read it cover to cover in one day.  He's written three books of collected essays. Witty, scholarly, unpretentious, lively and all terrific. And you can find out more with interviews and selected essays online if you want to sample.

by Arthur Krystal

Agitations: Essays on Life and Literature
The Half-Life of an American Essayist
Except When I Write: Reflections of a Recovering Critic

See:  http://www.amazon.com/Arthur-Krystal/e/B001HMOEB6

In Except When I Write, Arthur has an essay: Too True: The Art of The Aphorism. It's revelatory, just like all the others. And ever since reading it I've periodically entertained myself by looking for aphorisms old and new -- for me it's like noshing from a bag of assorted bite size brain candy. So, in his honor, here's a small sampling of what I've found with snide asides thrown in for a little call and response effect.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. ~Murphy's Law

Which is to say we'd probably try counting the stars too if we thought we could.


How is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person? ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld


Probably because deep down, we don't really believe anyone is ever really listening to us.


The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. ~Erma Bombeck



This could only ring true to a woman. A man would be more inclined to forget the bread and that's only if he also didn't  forget to go to the store.

A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist. ~Franklin P. Jones



See previous


What you discover about life's shell game is that it's hardest to follow the pea when you're the pea. ~Robert Brault,
I know it's one of those forest for the trees things, but maybe it's not being the pea that makes it hard, it's being in the dark.

You can start a fire with one match, or with the very last match from a box of matches ~Christy Whitehead



Cause necessity is the mother of invention and luxury is the enemy of care.

The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance. ~Author Unknown



Gotta love it.


Lie and say you were late for work because you had a flat tire, and the next day you will have a flat tire. ~Author Unknown


Karma.



If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered. ~Edgar Allan Poe



So throw your PDA in the trash.

People who snore always fall asleep first. ~Author Unknown



Gotta love that too.

The trouble with, "A place for everything and everything in its place" is that there's always more everything than places. ~Robert Brault
Especially if you live in an NYC apartment.




Amount of time it takes for a dog to "do its business" is directly proportional to outside temperature + suitability of owner's outerwear. ~Betsy Cañas Garmon
In my experience, the dog will do his business in his own good time...cause he hasn't  any concept of time.


There are many in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed for example that we all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summertime and the poor get it in the winter. ~Bat Masterson
I only include this cause I never saw him quoted before. Clever cowboy.


No one is listening until you fart. ~Author Unknown



Or until you tell that same story you told before?

Interchangeable parts don't, leakproof seals aren't, and self-starters won't. ~Author Unknown



Playing with syntax is always fun...so silliness is forgiven.

The Act of God designation on all insurance policies... means roughly that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you. ~Alan Coren, The Lady from Stalingrad Mansions, 1977
Can an atheist policy holder appeal?